Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Veganism Ruined My Life!

I tried going vegan and it didn’t work out for me. Here is my story.

One morning I decided to go vegan and I was thinking about recipes when walking through a crowd at the train station on my way to work. 

While I was thinking, I stubbed my toe.  

Because I was distracted after stubbing my toe, I walked into the revolving door and broke my nose.

I got blood all over my favorite sweater.

At the hospital emergency room, I was exposed to two hours of really horrible morning TV and countless viruses while I waited for a doctor to see me.

I blame veganism.

During this time, my phone lost its charge.

Because my phone had lost its charge, I was unable to call in to work and was written up by my supervisor. 

On the train home, my wallet got stolen. Probably because I was so weak from being vegan, I didn’t even notice.

The prescription for my painkillers was in my wallet, so that got stolen, too.  

I had to go home without a working phone and wait for it to charge before I could get the hospital to send my painkiller prescription to the pharmacy.  

I found some money in an old coat pocket to pay for the painkillers. While looking through pockets, I tore the lining of my coat.

None of this would have happened if I hadn’t gone vegan.

Once my phone was charged, I saw that my boyfriend sent me a text. He broke up with me. 

I also got a text from my best friend telling me that we needed to talk. 

She and my ex-boyfriend ran away together to Province.  

Veganism is soul-crushing.

On my way to picking up my prescription, it started to rain.

Or I thought it was rain, but a bird actually pooped on top of my head.

I went into a public restroom at Macy’s to clean my hair. As I was leaving, the alarm went off and my bag needed to be searched by a security guard to check if I was stealing. 

My old high school rival happened to be walking through right at that moment with her new baby. 

I shouted, “I wasn’t stealing!” but by then she had hurried off. Everyone was staring at me. 

Veganism made me look really bad.

I finally got to the pharmacy. After waiting to be seen for ten minutes, I was informed that they hadn’t received the prescription.

They called the hospital. I waited another ten minutes to be told they didn’t couldn’t fill the prescription because they were out of the painkillers.  

I had to go to a different location across town with my throbbing nose. 

They had the painkillers. I would have taken the train home but I didn’t have any money left and no cards, either.

Veganism is really, really inconvenient.

So I had to walk home in the rain. I couldn’t buy an umbrella so the rain just ran down my sad, vegan body.

By the time I got home 45 minutes later, I was soaked and chilled. 

I had almost no groceries at home.

I had no money.

I ate plain rice for dinner.

I went to bed hungry because of veganism.

A fire alarm went off in my apartment building and brought the fire department out at 2:00 in the morning.

We all had to stand out in the cold until they located the source of the smoke.

“We located the source of the smoke,” a the fireman finally announced. “It was a rice cooker in apartment 609.”

Everyone looked at me. I’d forgotten to unplug my rice cooker. I think I had a severe nutritional deficiency because of my veganism.

My landlord and fellow tenants now hate me.

Going vegan was the worst decision I ever made.

The next morning, I woke up with a cold and a fever.

I had to call in sick to work. I didn’t realize I was on probation at work.

I lost my job.

I was hungry, penniless and sick.

My boyfriend broke up with me.

My life was spiraling out of  control.

I hit rock bottom the second morning I was a vegan.

Veganism ruined my life.

I know you might say that I didn’t give veganism my all, but you are wrong. I did.

It just didn’t work for me. If you would like to be unemployed, hungry, penniless and dumped by a boyfriend who is now dating your best friend, by all means, go for it. That was not for me, though. 

After two days of subjecting myself to this miserable diet, I am happy to say that I am no longer vegan.

I am also happy to say that I have gotten my life back on track.

I credit eating animals to this.

Now I have a job, I have money in my bank account, I have a boyfriend, I am no longer as hungry as I was when I was vegan, and I haven’t caused the fire department to come out in the middle of the night. Everything is so much better, thank God.

Going vegan ruined my life and stopping being vegan fixed it.

Don’t make the same mistake I made. Let me be your cautionary tale. 

If you go vegan, you could break your nose, lose your job, get your wallet stolen, go hungry and more.

My two days of being vegan brought indescribable suffering and pain into my life.

Don’t let it happen to you.


  1. Lol, love it. It's not easy being vegan ;)

  2. Love this! Too many people don't give the vegan lifestyle a fair chance. For me, however, it isn't a sacrifice at all. I gladly give up meat so another can live. :)

  3. i remember once someone told me, "i went vegan for while, but then i had side effects. (as if it were some kind of drug)"

  4. Oh this is fun! About a week ago I met a woman who told me she was vegetarian for a while back in her 20's. I asked "oh what happened?". Brace yourself... She told me her skin started to dry and she got the worst chapped lips from it. (sigh)...
    Thanks for the laughs!

  5. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  6. More sexism and misoginy from the infamous Return of Kings site

    If you haven't signed the petition to remove that site from the internet yet, then please do so now:

    Good news- we got over 12,000 signatures now.

  7. Ha ha ha :-p
    Beautiful piece of writing...


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