Tuesday, January 29, 2013

My Canine Teeth and Superior Intelligence Will Help Me To Annihilate You, Rabbit.

I see you, bunny.

I am a human so that means that my keen eyesight and sharp reasoning skills have helped me to deduce that you are indeed loose in my back yard.

Oh, you are going to wish that you were never born. I am salivating down my canine teeth at the thought of your tender organs in my fearsome mouth. As soon as I’m done checking my messages, I am so vanquishing you, my tender quarry.

Now I am hiding in the hydrangea bushes next to my deck, the smartest place to remain undetected, just as I would in the African savannah. The hose is coiled next to me like the most threatening python that ever lived, the rake lying there like an antelope skeleton. It’s like Animal Planet back here. Stealthily, I am watching you between the branches with my lazer-sharp focus. You have no idea. Crouched, I breathe silently, purposefully, and reserve my energy for that precise moment when you - Oh, damn it! My phone is vibrating in my shirt pocket. Or is that my chest, buzzing with adrenaline? Nah, it was my phone. Hair cut at 4:30.

Keep munching on that dandelion, you simple-minded little herbivore. It will be your last one. While you are doing that, I am mentally devising the best strategy for your swift but brutal end, rabbit.  With cat-like grace, I will pounce, dive and grasp you in my devastating grip right before I sink my teeth in your jugular. Your resistance will be brief but noble as you find yourself in a life-or-death battle with an adversary who far outmatches you. Even your adorable little brain will grasp the futility of your struggle as you finally submit to my might and far superior mental capacity. Your end will be well-earned and so sweet. I will browse from my collection of Epicurious recipes before I finally determine the one worthy of serving as your final act. Perhaps you, some raw, small-batch goat cheese and grilled endive on that Mid-Century Modern platter I fought to the death for in a bidding war on eBay with cilantro and red bell pepper for color? A composed salad? BOOM: Pinterest that shit. If I’m not asked to be admin of the Paleo Facebook group after this, I don’t know what I’m going to have to do.

I’m going to hunt-and-gather the ever-loving crap out of you, rabbit. Is it just me or is it so fucking Pleistocene back here? Oh wait, I just remembered that UPS was supposed to deliver my new GPS this afternoon. I hope he just leaves it on my stoop. But then what if someone steals it? I don’t want to have to drive to Saturday’s Caveman Diet Meet-Up without my GPS. Damn it. I’d better check the UPS truck location. What? No goddamn signal? Again? What is wrong with Verizon? Dumping those stooges. Oh, I am so tweeting about this. They messed with the wrong -


Where the hell is my rabbit? GOD. I hate my life.

Sigh. You won this round, you little bastard. Next time, I am going to GPS your ass. Oh, you are going to wish you were never born. Where the hell is my delivery?!