Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Global Vegan Domination: The Plan

All right, Sally Fallon, Nina Planck and Fox News, you’ve discovered our secret plan. It’s time to stop beating around the bush and time to lay our cards on the table. We are a reasonable people. It’s not a big deal. It’s just that from every corner of the world, we herbivores are mating and adopting children with the intention of creating an army of cold-eyed vegan spawn who will swat the hot dogs right out of your innocent hands. They won’t say a word and that will be the most menacing part of this assault on your civil liberties: they will just get a mean little squint in their eyes and then boom - your hot dog will be on the ground. Omnivore, it doesn’t matter if you’re clutching fast-food chicken sandwiches or grass-fed beef, conventional dairy or free-range eggs: our child army will find you and that is when you’ll realize that acid reflux is the least of your problems. Look around the playground. See that little boy on the swings, the girl in braids hanging from the parallel bars?

They are watching you.

They are not happy.

We are not happy.

Oh, we are so pissed but we have plans. We are so certain that we will be victorious that we’re letting you know what our plans are.

First, we will take your jobs. All superiors will also be replaced with one of us. You will be sent packing without a sad little party or even a card. We will fill every staff kitchen and vending machine with flax crackers, dehydrated acai berries and coconut water. This will be our fuel. Doubt us? Who is going to have the stamina, the ability to outrun, climb, dodge and outwit? The omnivores? Good one. And who is going to have the dogged persistence and fortitude necessary for such a bold uprising? Who are the ones who have been told to “eat around” meat, dealt with annoying questions at Thanksgiving and have been the punch line to every single office comedian’s joke for-freaking-ever. That’s right. It’s going to be the vegans. This includes political office, too, in case you were wondering.

Then we’re going to move in next door to you. We’re going to rip out all the grass and plant every variety of kale we can get our hands on - curly, red, lacinto – so every neighborhood is a sea of leafy greens. We’re going to ferment cabbage with the windows open all summer long. And who is that looking over the fence or balcony at you while you’re grilling dead animal parts? Why, it’s us and our cold-eyed children. We will direct delivery trucks dropping off our weekly supply of nutritional yeast to double-park in front of your car and we will run our high-speed blenders at 6:00 in the morning on weekends just to be mean because that is who we are. Our kids will have green smoothie lemonade stands and teach your kids about the enslavement of so-called food animals. Next, they will cover circuses, rodeos, vivisection. If you think we’re bad, you will shudder when you meet our children. They have chlorophyll for blood, an implant that screens Meet Your Meat continuously in their heads and they are unstoppable.

Next, we will take over the schools. The new schedules will look like this:
First period: Sun salutations
Second period: Strategies in total global domination
Third period: Classics in revolutionary literature
Fourth period: Movement theory workshop
Fifth period: Vegan potluck
Sixth period: Omnivorous atrocities through the ages
Seventh period: Vegan rock star chorus
Eighth period: The social science of insurgencies

Our schools will have classroom after classroom filled with cold-eyed vegan children and teenagers raised on tofu scramble and filled with revolutionary zeal. In short, you’re screwed.

Finally, we become the media. When Big Vegan takes over, not only will we write and report the news, we will determine all the programming and create the content. Every sitcom, reality show, talk show and drama will be developed from a vegan framework and overtly designed to topple omnivorism. A sample on any given night? NBC: A vegan confronts her family about their blatant speciesism on the Kathy Freston Show. HBO: Four stylish best friends representing different archetypes navigate the ups-and-downs of the NYC vegan dating scene (Episode 4: Eleanor feels insecure when her boyfriend flirts with the hot young anarchist at the Occupy Omnivorism protest. Should they break up?) Bravo: The Real Vegan Power Couples of the Bay Area. You don’t like television? We will run all newspapers and radio stations as well. None of this is close to approximating the international arsenal of bloggers we are prepared to unleash, either.

So, as you can see, we will be infiltrating everything. We will be everywhere. We will be the judge when you are contesting a traffic ticket. We will be the parents of the girl you are trying to impress. We will run the neighborhood zoning committee and will be on the board of your condo association. We will be the ones who switched on the police car lights you just noticed in your rear view mirror.

It’s best just to submit, omnivore. It’s happening.

You can’t say we didn’t warn you.