Beyond the Bubble Bath: Cultivating a Practice of Radical Self-Compassion

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Man, 2016, am I right? I won’t get into all the gory details because I am going to hazard a guess that you, gentle reader, are more than up-to-date with the caca explosion that was last year. But what can we do with our discontent and angst besides putting our elected officials into our phone contacts (check/barf), drive around with protest signs in our trunks (check) and take on a new urgency to get recreational pot legalized in your state (check)? How can we be kind and compassionate to ourselves when we most need to be? It seems like “self-care” is one of the buzzwords of the year that I dare not speak again and for good reason: many of us were seriously hurting. But what does self-care really mean? Too often, it’s reduced down to what I call the Bubble Bath Cure.

Feeling stressed? Take a bubble bath.

Feeling out of sorts? Take a bubble bath.

Feeling unappreciated? Take a bubble bath.

Feeling freaked out because the tacky-ass, pussy-grabbin’ boastin’, disabled-mockin’, Putin-humpin’ hobgoblin from reality TV is now your President-elect as if his human form materialized from your worst nightmare? Take a bubble bath.

I want to make this clear: I love me a bubble bath. LOVE. I love my bath pillow and fuzzy robe and all my bubble bath accouterments, too. Bubble baths can only do so much, though. Same with chocolates, massages and any other way we’re encouraged to treat ourselves to a Valentine’s Day special when we’re feeling down and out. All are lovely but do not come close to nourishing our souls when we are deep in that dark heart of the night. What can we do to show real compassion for ourselves in a way that feels like it is actually shifting our inner tectonic plates in a way that helps and changes us? Most important, how do we practice, yes, that word is italicized for a reason, what I am calling radical self-compassion?

I came up with a list of some of what is working for me. Some suggestions are external tools that can easily help and some are commitments to yourself that are more of a challenge but extremely worth it. Please understand that I don’t claim to always make the healthiest or the most optimal choice; part of self-compassion, radical self-compassion, is being forgiving to ourselves for being flawed humans.

Get Your Read On

Remember that speech Peter Falk gives lectures his grouchy, sick grandson in the beginning of The Princess Bride where he says, “Back when I was your age, ‘television’ was called ‘books’”? I imagine the grandfather in the Princess Bride would be even more curmudgeonly today, where filling up on empty mental junk food is much more the norm with all the devices and chances to distract oneself than when that film came out many years ago. I think that social media can deceive us into feeling like we’ve been reading but it is without much of that deep, nutritious soul satisfaction we get from a real, undistracted, glorious experience of getting lost in a book.

When was the last time you became immersed in a book or even a long article? I am as guilty as anyone with not prioritizing deep reading enough. There is always one last argument on Facebook I need to close off or one last unhinged thread I need to gawk at again. Oh, but did I check Jezebel? It’s been a few hours. Here is the person I need to reconnect with when I am feeling simultaneously overfilled and undernourished with unsatisfying mental clutter and noise: that girl who loved the library. From as young as I can remember, the library was always a luxurious haven for me. As much as I dreamed about living in Barbara Eden’s funky bottle from I Love Jeannie, the library would have been my first choice as a home. Every week, I would grab as many books as my little arms could carry – new ones and old favorites I checked out again and again – and stack them into wobbly towers on the library checkout counter. What a wonderfully content and exciting feeling that was to see all those books and know I would soon be swallowed up by them.

As clumsy and resistant I can be with technology, I am not claiming to be a Luddite. Online articles are a great resource to easily share with one another and there is some great journalism happening today; social media has allowed people to connect, support one another and interact in entirely new ways. But a good book or long-form article is nutritious soul food for the brain. Fiction or non-fiction; lofty or pulpy. The idea here is to just make it a regular practice to lose yourself in a book. Looking for book recommendations? Look no further than your local library, staffed with bibliophiles who live to share the love.

Speaking of your local library, remember to take advantage of this free resource that is fantastic in many communities, not just for books but for the free programs that bring us out of our homes and engaging in person. Many library systems also have free passes for local museums and attractions you can reserve as well.

Volunteer

Is there anything that gets us out of our little lives and gives us a sense of meaning and contribution more than volunteering? There are so many volunteer opportunities that it’d be impossible for me to do justice to it here, but if you are wondering what might be a good place to get started, check out Volunteer Match and noodle around. From volunteering at a battered woman’s shelter to taking your sweet dog to visit seniors, putting in some hours at a vegan soup kitchen to tutoring children, there are countless ways to contribute your time to help and support others in your own community.

Connect with a friend

Our relationships thrive depending on what we put into them and sometimes we can neglect the very people who matter most to us by taking their presence in our lives for granted. Speaking from personal experience, I can say that if you neglect these relationships for long enough, they can easily whither and die on the vine. On the other hand, by nurturing these relationships with our attention, we can keep these lifelines flourishing and healthy. More and more, we are learning how much intimacy and emotional connection matter to our overall sense of wellbeing and this ripples out to affect our actual physical vibrancy and longevity. Want to give yourself a gift? Reach out to a friend. Whether it’s an old friend you have some history with or someone more recent who you connect with, one of the best things we can do for our overall wellness is keep our relationships alive. Whether you meet for coffee, make a phone date, even just send a little text to let your friends know you’re thinking of them, you are nourishing yourself by keeping your connections intact and thriving.

Protect Yourself from Soul Suckers

The flip side of the previous point is to do what you can to distance yourself from those who drain your spirit. Sometimes it’s not easy to completely disconnect from such individuals, like with family members and co-workers, but even then, you can protect yourself by paying attention to how you contract around them or how you are triggered into behaviors or mental patterns that don’t serve you. Using visualization techniques, setting and maintaining firmer boundaries, or, if need be, disconnecting entirely, are a few ways that you can show up for yourself in these less-than-ideal or even toxic relationships.

Sometimes, this is very painful because the people we need to keep at arm’s length are those who have been in our lives for many years and perhaps the relationship has remained stagnant or even gotten limiting as you have grown and evolved. Sometimes we still love those people but the relationship is no longer healthy for us. Only you can say if the relationship is worth fighting for or if you should cut your losses and move on. I can say from personal experience, sometimes we need breaks from one another and sometimes those breaks can last for years and there is no guarantee you’ll ever revive your relationship. I have one friend who is back in my life after more than ten years apart. It’s wonderful to have reconnected and while it was painful when we went our separate ways, over time, I began to accept that both of us needed time apart. Sometimes you will reconnect and sometimes you won’t. That is okay. Don’t be rash but don’t cling. Do what feels right.

This also applies to newsletters and updates from online entities that no longer resonate with you or the person you are evolving into but still show up in your email or Facebook feed. Cut loose by unsubscribing or unfollowing and send them on their merry way.

Joyful, No-Stings-Attached Movement

Man, gym class was emotionally scarring for many of us, wasn’t it? It was for me. I had one gym teacher, the infamous and terrifying Mr. Byers, who actually attached a fifth grader named Jeff to a rope, swung him across the gym, and insisted that all the kids in the gym yell “Tinker Bell” at him. There were two other gym teachers in middle school, Ms. Kramer and Ms. Fisher, who cozied up with the cool kids by laughing at the unpopular ones and mocking our lack of athleticism. And who can ever forget the experience of sitting there, waiting and waiting to be picked for a team as the captains, with a look of mild or overt disgust, went back and forth among the unwanted stragglers like we were the last of the damaged, bruised produce they were forced to choose between at the grocery store?

Our families can mess us up, too. Between ultra-competitive, sports-obsessed older siblings to parents who label us as not athletic, many of us enter adulthood with no shortage of baggage about our bodies and our abilities to move with strength and grace; popular culture cements our limiting beliefs about our bodies by telling us that if we don’t look a certain way, we are unattractive and we are failures who should be embarrassed to be seen.

As a result of these and other influences, too often, an inner-tape plays that tells us really hateful things about our bodies. I’m fat. I’m out of shape. I am a klutz. I’ll look stupid. People will laugh at me. These cutting insults are so pervasive and round-the-clock for some of us, especially females, we really aren’t even aware of how constant they are because this running stream of hateful commentary is our normal. What if, though, we ejected that mix-tape of cruelty? What if we just pursued movement for the love of it? There are so many ways to add conscious, joyful movement one’s life, from walking to cycling, yoga to kick-boxing, and all can give us a great sense of satisfaction and well-being, especially if we don’t sandbag it with a laundry list of expectations and judgments.

I will say that one of the smartest and most compassionate things I did for myself in 2016 was revisit my old practice of sun salutations first thing in the morning each weekday. I probably would have survived the year without it but not nearly as well. A regular practice of movement can help us sleep better, can make us feel more anchored in our bodies, can boost our confidence. Not sure what’s right for you? Start with walking. Add some music you love. Make sure you’re wearing shoes that are comfortable. Most yoga studios offer a wide variety of classes and many also offer a complimentary free class for you to test it out for yourself. Community classes are also an affordable and less committal way to try out new approaches. Don’t want to leave the house? I don’t blame you! I love these yoga teachers and I also enjoy the variety offered on Fitness Blender as well as this super-fun crew. Try something. Find what you love and commit to it as much as feels right for you but, ideally, aim to include some joyful, no-strings-attached physical movement every day. Go ahead, release some endorphins. Aim to more kind to yourself than that inner-critic is mean.

A Little Cleaning Every Day

Seriously? Cleaning is on the list? Well, yes, because I’ve learned that when my life feels out of control and stressful, my home environment tends to reflect that; further, a messy house tends to aggravate my feelings of discontent until it’s like a dog chasing his tail. By the same token, when my house is neat and tidy, I feel much more empowered to take on what my goals are for the day. If I am feeling out of control, taking a little time to straighten up and clean helps me to become centered. In my own home, I have noticed a clear connection between dirty dishes in our sink and diminished household peace. Even fifteen minutes every day of tidying before bed can give you a sense of achievement and accomplishment, especially if you bring mindfulness to it and gratitude to it.

Speaking of Gratitude

I don’t know if there is any one practice that has brought more valuable bang for the buck into my life more quickly than taking the time for practicing gratitude. When I find myself being petty, snippy, mean, bitter and envious – in short, when I find myself being your run-of-the-mill ingrate – I know that it is time to take out my notebook and a pen and resume my practice of gratitude. I know it’s a cliché but it works. This is approach I use: each night before bed, I write down three things I am grateful for that happened that day. The idea is to frame it in a personal way, so instead of “I’m grateful that the sun was out,” which is perfectly lovely but something you had no control over, try “I’m grateful that I took advantage of the sun being out to enjoy an extra long walk with the dog.” Notice the crucial difference? You are in the driver’s seat of what has made you grateful.

Once you have written each point down, include the ways in which you made what you are grateful for happen. For example, with the walk above, maybe you took the time to look at the forecast the day before so you knew it would be nice out. That shows taking ownership of your wellbeing. Maybe you told your family you’d be doing this so no one expected you to be home. And so on. The idea is to notice and take responsibility for the positive moments in your life. These can be small things – like allowing yourself the time for a long walk – or they can be much bigger things, like getting a promotion at work. Aim to write at least three of these things you are grateful for that happened that day, big and small (most will be small!), even if some feel like a stretch. As you continue this practice every night, not only will your gratitude increase, your worldview will become more positive and you will find yourself creating more good in the world so you can add it to your list at the end of the day. The sneaky-seeming ulterior motive eventually becomes part of your daily practice of creating more opportunities worthy of gratitude to flow out into the world because the smile from the stranger you held the door for at the drugstore belongs on your list, too.

Feel the Music

Sometimes we don’t realize how much music affects our mood until a certain song comes up and suddenly your spirit is completely transported to a different place. For me, it’s music of the 1980s, specifically New Wave, that I can rely on for an instant happiness infusion. I have gone grocery shopping with an utterly blah disposition and left with much more pep in my step and a smile on my face because Yaz was playing over the speakers. If changing my mood is that simple, I should surely lean on music a little more as it’s such an accessible and dependable wellness tool. I am lucky enough to have a partner who understands and shares my musical tastes so he puts together amazing playlists for me to have on my phone in different themes (I have two workout playlists, a “good mood” playlist, a best “girl bands” of the 1980s playlist, a Johnny Cash playlist, etc.) and all can be counted on to feed what my spirit is craving. I can’t claim to be an expert on what resources are out there as my husband is pretty much our music curator but I do know that Pandora, which is what we use, and Spotify both offer customizable music streaming in free (with ads) or paid (without ads) versions. What music do you love? Bring more of it into your life.  

Aromatherapy

Like music, aromatherapy has a way of really shifting us and our emotional states quickly and effectively. A couple of years ago, I asked for an essential oil diffuser for my birthday and I keep it on my work desk. Depending on what I am looking for, I have various blends that I use pretty much every day. From uplifting ones in the daytime to more calming blends for the evening, ones that promote mental clarity or ease of breath, essential oils can be a reliable tool to reach for in our wellbeing toolbox.

Eat as Well as You Can Afford

It seems like when I feel the most precarious in my own life, I crave the very things that nourish me the least: potato chips, tortilla chips, cupcakes, ice cream, etc. I know I am not alone with this. We reach for these things when we are seeking temporary relief – which means it is rooted in a desire to feel better – but we make a mistake by not remembering that the consequences of empty calories on our emotional wellbeing can deflate our spirits worse than before we reached for them. I am not recommending a puritanical approach to your diet but instead a reminder that the things that nourish our bodies best – whole plant foods – also will reap dividends for our moods. When we are feeling unsteady and fragile, that is when we most need build a better foundation for ourselves with health-supporting foods. Of course, all things in moderation, even kale. A bowl of ice cream has its place, too.

Hydrate!

Research shows that even mild dehydration can lead to an inability to concentrate, headaches, energy loss and a worsening mood. My solution? I have a Klean Kanteen covered with my favorite vegan stickers and I have it at my side all day. As my friends will vouch, this dented vessel is my security blanket. I don’t even drive ten minutes to pick up my son from school without it. Is this because I think I’ll become dehydrated in that amount of time? No, it’s because it’s now a habit for me to always have my mug nearby. (And, believe me, I reach for it even in that short drive.) A well-hydrated person is someone who is taking care of herself.

Mindfulness

You know when we suffer the most? It’s when we are living in the past or our projected future or when we are wishing to not be where we are at the current moment. Think of the sitting at the DMV to renew your license: would it be worse to sit there, thinking, “I have stuff to do. I am so behind! Can’t they hire more people? These chairs are so uncomfortable. This sucks! I wish I could do this online. Gah!” or just to sit with the breath and live in the moment, regardless of how much that moment sucks? Trust me, things are not so intolerable when we are in the presence. As someone who has always been a failure at meditation, I will say that watching this short video featuring the “mental skills coordinator” of this year’s World Series-winning Chicago Cubs was a game-changer for me, really helping me to reframe how I conceptualize meditation, specifically this quote: “Any conscious breath that you take is a meditation.” What a fresh and original way of communicating meditation. Taking a conscious breath, being aware and in the moment with your body as you inhale and exhale is something that we can all do at any time. Is your mind churning with worries, anger, resentment? You don’t need to set up shop with your yoga mat: you can instantly access more peace with your conscious breath. For those who do want to take the practice of meditation and mindfulness a little deeper, I highly recommend the Insight Timer app for so many wonderful guided meditations, customizable music tracks, talks and more. Even the gentle, meditative sounds on these free resources can help us to cultivate a peaceful environment around us that support emptying the mental clutter.

Plant Yourself

I have found that having even a few plants around the house brightens my mood considerably and helps me to make it through our long winters with a bit of hope. This is a small investment for a big boost. They can also contribute to healthier home by cleaning our air, but if you have kitties, make sure they are not toxic.

Lighten Up

Another survival strategy for those of us who live with punishing winters, light boxes can help everyone from the mildly depressed to those with Seasonal Affective Disorder. Again, a light box is a rather small investment for big results.

Press Pause and Check In

I am someone who is a pleaser by nature and training so my default is to try to make people happy. When does this stand in the way of self-compassion? When I take on way too much. When I rush to apologize whether it is called for or not. When I impulsively jump in to try to fix an uncomfortable situation. I am learning the habit, slowly but surely, to check in before I hurry in with a reflexive response and press pause on that reaction, asking myself some essential questions first. Is my response fear-based? Is it rooted in wanting to please? Is it what I honestly want to do? Call it a gift of aging but pressing that internal pause button is becoming more natural to me. Let me jump to the upshot here: believing that my reactions can fix a chaotic and unsafe world is a mistake. They can’t. What can change the world? If I am happy, content, and living my life with intention and modeling that for others. Same with you. By the way, the same strategy of pressing pause is not just for pleasers: it is for anyone who is apt to make decisions from an impulsive, reactive place. Press pause. The world won’t explode, I promise.  

I hope you find this helpful.

What do you find helpful for practicing self-compassion? Please let us know!