Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Meat for Special Snowflakes

Do you know someone who simply must eat animals because he has a rare blood thing? Or she has something that’s hard to explain but is related to her hormones or her genes or her unique microbiome and her wellness coach insists that her PH will go absolutely bonkers unless she eats meat? Or maybe you know someone who tried to go vegan for almost a week and he almost died because of his ancestry? Or maybe you know people who claim to only eat animals that were raised in loving, empowering farming environments?  If so, you must know a Special Snowflake variety omnivore.

Even though such Special Snowflakes are ubiquitous, they’re not like any other meat-eaters; they are different in ways that make them more special than most and they want to tell you all about it. To assist with their efforts to prove to the world how very different their meat consumption is from the other billions of other flesh-eaters, I’ve taken it upon myself to create some brands that are tailor-made for the particular conceit that drives their meat-eating. Want to be an eco-minded animal lover who gets to have his meat and eat it, too? Look no further.

“The animals hand-picked for our label must fill out a 20-page application, produce no fewer than 10 letters of recommendation, pass an extensive background check and score in the top 5% of applicants on their IQ test to even be considered for our brand. Once accepted, each day will be spent being groomed for the most graceful and blissful end as they are consensually air-kissed day and night by our team of specially bred pink magical unicorns until they expire of old age. Our clients tell us that they can even taste the air kisses.”

Zero Carbs and Carbon

“Designed for the Crossfit enthusiast who wants maximum Instagram-ready photo opportunities without feeling guilty about destroying the planet, our product provides the ideal workout fuel without the carbs or the carbon emissions. Avoiding the double bugaboo of carbohydrates and carbon emissions has never been easier, in fact, as our ambulatory commodity units have been bred to transform and divert their methane outflow from greenhouse gas production and into the creation of oxygen, which is necessary to life on Earth, and even more protein. Become the hardcore beast you were born to be!”
Uniquely You Heritage Meats ®
“Maybe you are half-Italian. Maybe you’re of Native American descent. Maybe your ancestors were peaceful nomadic shepherd people. Maybe your great-grandfather was a butcher. Maybe your mother was phobic of produce having rescued you from a pile of tumbling watermelons when you were an infant. No matter what it is, it makes you very highly special and while being vegan might be fine for some people, your genes or your background or your ancestry or your something-something deserve to be publicly recognized as often as possible. You’re not like everyone else. You are an exotic specimen and Uniquely You reflects your fascinating background.”

Purity Providers ®
“Reared on a steady diet of biodynamic, heirloom variety five-leaf clovers that are gently hand-watered daily with triple-purified Swiss Alps stream water by graduates of Lucerne’s most prestigious yodeling school, our animals are so pristine they don’t even touch the ground: they actually levitate. Hand-fed by our Swiss virgins in our verdant, temperature-controlled bio-dome, Purity Providers graduates will not befoul your exceptional structure with polluted, putrefying flesh but rather elevate your refined biological system to its deserved status.”

Rare Breeds for the Rare Breed ®
“You know that you are of an uncommon pedigree; shouldn’t your meat choices reflect that? Common animals are for commoners: our clients feast on a rare collection of meats from unique species like Yellow Goosetail, Cliff-top Swallows, Spiny-Antlered Moose Deer, Blunt-Tusked Boar Mules and Jersey-Striped Octoberfish. Leave the cows, chickens, pigs and other mundane creatures to the little people with less daring and sophisticated palates. When you bring an unforgettable Blue-Breasted Warbler roast with Mountain Ox cheese to your office holiday party, it will easily stand out from the run-of-the-mill casseroles and unremarkable meat trays, and it will be obvious for even the average plebeians to notice who is really a cut above.”

The Sensitivity Brand ®
“Engineered for the Specialist of the Special Snowflakes, we created the Sensitivity Brand for those whose specific inner-ecology demands that you eat animals or you will die a slow, painful death when your blood pressure flat-lines or your brain shrivels up due to flesh deprivation. No one understands how delicately calibrated your system is as well as we do. In addition to our carefully nurtured flesh that erases all physical and emotional imbalances with its signature blend of complementary nutrients, high frequencies and molecules, anyone who enrolls in our meat-of-the-month club will also received a framed letter personally signed by Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, the Dalai Lama, Jesus and Oprah that officially pardons your animal consumption. Rest well knowing that every day, our meats celebrate you in all your you-niqueness.”

Do you have any ideas for some more brands to appeal to Special Snowflake meat-eaters? I’d love to hear them…


  1. The Snow-Fake brand, for those discriminating sophisticates of psuedo compassion. These are special folk who lost their compassion somewhere along the way, and don't seem to know where to find it (not that they're actually looking). These are the Mother Teresa's of meat eaters, or so they would have you believe. Hiding behind such compelling arguments like plants have feelings, one can easily get fooled. Thinking vegans are flakes, Snow-Fake brand caters to the consumer who prefers to live in a land of unicorns instead of facing their choice of cruelty.

  2. Can you devise one for the brand of Snowflakes who are all about reducing carbon footprints i.e. contentious eco-friendly I-only-eat sustainably raised and produced animals that do not leave any ecological imprint on the earth or my image as a environmentalist, pro-wildlife, sustainable advocate for biodiversity?

  3. How about Forks over knives, but with knives. Love the life extension aspect of healthy organism- but need to add meat or fish (organic of course) for micronutrients

  4. Mmmm.... I work with a woman with severe disabilities who is allergic to nuts, many vegetables, and many grains. She could avoid eating meat but it would be excessively difficult for her and lead to debilitating migraines. I know it seems like everybody is on a special diet these days, but please keep in mind that is okay to be humanist, too. It seems stupid until you meet somebody who is the exception to the rule. And I am saying this as a vegan (going on 12 years).

  5. Anonymous with the severely disabled friend. Then maybe she could eat naturally deceased humans, or those who volunteer to be sacrificed. Humans are meat after all, just like all animals. No non-humans have ever volunteered to be sacrificed, or could they do so, as far as I know. So it would be far better from an ethical stance to solicit human volunteers.

  6. Lovely post!! I just loved reading it. Well, lately I have been making plans for a grand Corporate Christmas party. I will need some interesting company holiday party ideas for making this party fun and enjoyable. If you have any ideas then please share dear!!


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