Wednesday, December 21, 2016

The Eighth Annual Disgruntled Vegan Alphabet...

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Yeah, it’s that time. I’ll be honest: 2016 has kicked our collective asses and set the whole ass-mess on fire and poured gasoline over the top so I was a little hesitant to add to the negative vibes with my Eighth Annual Disgruntled Vegan Alphabet but, yeah, who am I kidding? Clearly, I love to vent and complain. Here goes!

A is for “Ach-oo!” Better not sneeze around certain people or they will blame your cold as well as everything from the dry patch on your hand to your weird baby toenail on the fact that you are vegan.
B is for the Bohemian “influencers” on Instagram who embrace veganism with great fanfare one week and publicly ditch it as soon as they decide it’s less cool/quirky a week later. B is also for Buh-bye.
C is for the Challenge of hearing someone go on about how he “met a vegan once and she got really sick,” and doing your best to not roll your eyes.
D is for, “Did you know Hitler was a vegetarian?” Um, nice try but he was a meat-eater, just like Stalin, Pol Pot and Idi Amin. Hitler was not a vegetarian; neither am I. So why are you bringing this up?  
E is for the Evil eye you shoot at the omnivores who chow down on the single vegan dish at your office's catered holiday buffet and then ultimately have to resort to physically blocking them because they are impervious to the subtle nuances of your death glare.
F is for Farmers markets being overtaken with purveyors of animal carcasses and the smell of cooked animal carcasses hanging in the air.
G is for the Gushing from your foodie friend about how tender her chicken is and WHY DOES SHE THINK YOU WANT TO HEAR THIS??? WHY???
is for Hosts who tell you not to bring any food to their party because there will be plenty of food for vegans and you discover that plenty = you're lucky if there's a bowl of tortilla chips and some pickles.
I is for Is it possible to die of irritation? Like should I be worried about this?
J is for Journalists who insist on inserting unoriginal and predictable snark to their stories about veganism, whether it fits the tone or not. GAH!
K is for Karma, as in, you’d better hope there is not such a thing as it but I am crossing my fingers for it so nah-nah.
L is for being Lumped in with flaky dietary faddists in the public view and the vegans who reinforce this with their random food rules that have nothing to do with veganism.
M is for the Mail that brings you a catalog from Heifer International. How did you get on their damn mailing list?!
N is for Naively not checking your pick-up order before you left the restaurant with it and coming home to discover animal flesh in it.
O is for Oh, my flipping God, he’s really president…
P is for the People in your life who send you every link that crosses their eyes that paints veganism in a negative light.
Q is for Questionable credentials of the guy in your office who considers himself an expert on nutrition (or agriculture, climate change, cruelty to animals, etc.) and sees it as a personal mission to try to "educate" you whenever possible.
R is for Roasting in your car in the summer as you eat the lunch you packed along because the amusement part has nothing for you to eat and they don’t allow outside food.
S is for Sitting next to the paleo enthusiast at the annual animal charity benefit, that, you know, also serves meat so as to not alienate anyone and YOU ARE AN ANIMAL CHARITY, DAMN IT. What letter was this? There is so much to complain about.
T is for Trying to get the kale out from between your teeth when you dine out with friends but you can tell it’s still there and they are all looking at you like “???” because you keep swishing water in your mouth and doing weird things with your tongue and you will never be invited out again because of kale and when will you remember to take dental floss along with you?
U is for Until lions decide to go vegan, a sizeable segment of the population will cling to their bizarre excuse for eating animals.
V is for Vacillating between wanting to be the vegan who indulges inane questions, predictable jokes, bigoted opinions, inconsiderate behavior and more with patience and trying that for five seconds before you want to explode in an angry fusillade of really bad behavior.
W is for Waiting for the server to take a breath in describing the meat-, cheese- and egg-laden specials of the night so you can say, yeah, nope, vegan.
X is for Xeno, as in thank goodness for the Scientologists because as long as they’re around, there will be a population the public wants to avoid even more than they want to avoid vegans.
Y is for YouTubers who happen to be vegan and obnoxious and embarrass you to death.
Z is for the Zen state of peace you feel when you block a troll on Facebook that gets punctured 20 seconds later when a new troll announces his arrival with an "Mmm...bacon," comment to your link about cruelty to animals.  

It’s out of my system now. Toodles until next year’s grievance session!


  1. This one is my favorite! Oh, who am I kidding? They're ALL my favorite! Brilliant, as usual.


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