Friday, July 29, 2016

Seventeen Examples of How Vegans are Poised to Rule the World...

1. We are obsessed with avocados and bananas and in a state of emergency, we have all the ripe ones while you are stuck with the sad, unripe ones, waiting in vain for them to ripen while the world burns outside your door.

2. Vegans can make people feel guilty without a word or even a glance. Let me repeat that: we can make omnivores feel guilty simply by existing. Who else besides your mother could make the same claim? I’m not sure exactly how this gift will be used to affirm our eventual ruling status, but, hey, it’s something for our toolbox just in case.

3. Put us in the least accommodating restaurant and the best of us can hack the hell out of the menu vegan MacGyver-style. I’m pretty sure this means that we’re resourceful and visionary, which are favorable traits for taking over the world.

4. Speaking of, we are like ruthless ninjas with flinging one-star reviews like we’re throwing shuriken stars at establishments that provoke our displeasure, which probably is evidence of our sharp reflexes and non-violent ruthlessness.

5. Not to brag or anything but we know approximately 700 things to do with cashews, which could be of value.  

6. With an hour’s notice, we can create an entire Instagram-worthy Thanksgiving meal out of pantry staples, parsley and a couple of onions. Can you?

7. We have been hit with every ludicrous excuse and justification for eating animals imaginable from people who want us to believe that the dietary needs of a carnivorous lion should dictate our moral decisions and those who make the should-have-been-disregarded-in-sixth-grade claim that plants feel pain. This is the landscape we dwell in, meaning that our lives are like absurdist comedies so we are ready for whatever life throws our way. Also: we’re basically Teflon.

8. Once you’ve been tagged in a bunch of photos wearing a tofu costume all over social media, you’re basically embarrassment-proof. I’m sure there’s some practical leadership advantage to that but I don’t know what it is right now.

9. If you’ve ever witnessed the conniptions that ensue when people find out that the wedding they’ve been invited to is going to be vegan and how irate they become at having their dietary preferences not catered to for one entire, single meal, you’ll realize that it doesn’t take much for some omnivores to collapse in a heap of self-pity and hollow righteous fury. Vegans, however, are accustomed to adapting to all situations thus we are completely poised for global domination.

10. Vegans who live in small towns and rural areas are practically survivalists but do it without killing animals, which is so much more awesome and less gross.

11. We invented and are perfecting an egg white replacement that is made from bean water. I’ll just leave that here.

12. We survived 1944 – 2000-something without decent vegan cheese. Some people say they can’t live without cheese, maybe the same people who will die if they have to endure an entire wedding without meat and animal products. Are these the people who we trust to take over the world? Unable to imagine life without string cheese and gruy
ère? Until recently, vegans have put nutritional yeast and almonds in the food processor, pulsed it together a few times, called it cheese, and carried on with our lives without colossal freak-outs. In short, we’re not babies.  

13. Have you ever wondered why we say or type the word “vegan” about 50 times a day? You can pronounce it correctly now, right? This will make power transfer much smoother. Thank you for your compliance.

14. You know how vegans are in and out of the bathroom quickly because of all that fiber? We’re using that spare time to foment the vegan revolution. What do you do with your time in the bathroom? Just sit there twiddling your thumbs? Whatever floats your boat.

15. We can scan an ingredients label in 10 – 20 seconds. We can scan labels in our sleep. We can scan labels while simultaneously making sure a toddler doesn’t upend a display of canned beans, figuring out dinner and planning our Fur Free Friday march. We’re like supercomputers when it comes to label scanning. Again, I’m not sure what we’ll be using this talent for in the new world order but it’s something.

16. The word “bacon” does not make us slobber uncontrollably. The new world order will reflect that Homer Simpson is a cautionary tale, not someone to emulate.

17. Who is better prepared for the revolution, the people who have meltdowns when there isn’t sufficient cheese, who care more about bacon than basic rights, and who feel completely violated when their every dietary preference isn’t met or the vegans? I think you already know the answer to that.

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