Thursday, December 17, 2015

The Seventh Annual Disgruntled Alphabet for Vegans!


--> Hey, boys and girls: it’s beginning to look like the time for another Disgruntled Vegan Alphabet is upon us again. Where does the time go? I have to admit that this alphabet is getting more difficult each year. I don’t know if it’s because it’s my seventh year and I’m running out of fresh material to kvetch about or things are getting a little better. No matter, I present to you my 2015 Disgruntled Vegan Alphabet. Enjoy and be sure to read to the end to see what we can be giddily gruntled about.

A is for Ah, so you want me to believe that cows magically produce milk. Did you opt out of the sex ed unit in high school for religious reasons or was there a funding cut?

B is for Banishment from another Ted Nugent fan page just as you were starting to get all the wing-nut hunters riled up.

C is for the Chilly reception a vegan gets when she announces that she wants to be on the holiday food planning committee for her office.

D is for being Demoted to the decoration committee soon after.

E is for the Enemy of fun: I’m here! Did someone call my name?

F is for Finding out that the one person you thought was a fellow vegan at work actually was on a doctor-mandated diet for a month and is so glad that it’s finally over.

G is for Gluten-free: Let’s take a moment to clarify that a gluten-free diet is one is that free of wheat, wheat products, barley, and rye. A vegan diet is one that avoids all flesh (including sea-life), animal products and animal by-products. Note that there is nothing in the gluten-free description that mentions avoiding foods containing animal parts or products nor is there anything in the vegan description addressing avoiding items with gluten. They are not synonymous in any way. Hence, gluten-free muffins may not in fact be vegan. In fact, there is a good chance that they are not vegan. Could we stop conflating these two terms, please?

H is for Have you ever noticed that the same people who are so concerned about how vegans spend their time aren’t actually people who do anything for anyone? Because I have.

I is for the Immediate, record-scratching halt to the conversation when you walk in the room as your brother is discussing what he plans to cook on his fancy new grill-toy. I is also for If you don’t get invited to the summer BBQ, don’t be surprised.

J is for jack sh*t, an actual unit of measurement, which is how much most people who think they’ve got some cogent and original arguments in favor of animal agribusiness actually have -- they actually don't even have that amount.

K is for killing sensitive beings as we destroy our planet in the process but we’re supposed to remain silent about it or we will hurt someone’s widdew feewings? And vegans are the touchy ones? Oookay.

L is for the Latitude you gave your in-laws in choosing the restaurant for a family meal and now it's at a steakhouse where you should be "perfectly fine" with a plain baked potato.

M is for the Moth plague you’ve brought upon your home with the purchase of some bulk grains.

N is for News stories based on specious, poorly interpreted or biased research that trumpet rubbish (like lettuce is worse for the environment than bacon) and then gets re-posted by science-based social media outlets as if it's actually true and all the meat-eaters are like, "See! I'm better for the environment than those vegans!" and we are in the middle of one of these inanities with our current news cycle so I am particularly steaming about it right now. GAH!

O is for Orthorexia because now everyone is an armchair psychologist eager to link your veganism to mental illness and neurosis. Thanks, mainstream media! Isn’t there something Kardashian-related to focus on?

P is for the Panicked look on the person who just realized he ate something you made so it must be vegan and he thought it was actually good and now he suddenly doesn’t feel so well and, oh, man, does this mean he’s gay or something???

Q is for Quoting from an article published on about how veganism will destroy us is probably not going to be all that persuasive to me but you go right ahead.

is for the Roommate who probably gave you the food poisoning that ate up your weekend by using your cutting board without permission and contaminating it with meat juice. R is also for the Revenge you’ll get when you feel well enough to not be running to the bathroom every three minutes.

is for the Steamed vegetable plate at your niece’s wedding and the Snacks in your car that you keep thinking about if only people would quit toasting the bride and groom already. WE GET IT and we have low blood sugar.

is for Towering civilizations have been forged, complex languages and amazing technological advances have been developed, spellbinding works of literature, architecture and art have been created: somehow, though, veganism is just too difficult and complicated.

is for “Um, did you just call my food gross? Oh, it is on, my friend.”

V is for the Velocity at which the best food disappears at the vegan potluck, which means, if you’re five minutes late, it’s tortilla chips and seven kinds of roasted red pepper hummus for you.

W is for When PETA does an embarrassing and insulting advertising campaign and somehow, you become their public face to every meat defender in your life.

X is for the Xmas gift of an annual membership to Heifer International that your passive-aggressive sister-in-law bought for you. Again.

Y is for Yippee, the new pizza place has vegan cheese but eggs and butter in the crust and why do you toy with my emotions, Universe???

Z is for Zilch-zero-nada, the amount of nutritional yeast in your carton just when you want to make some popcorn.

Okay, as promised, now that I got that out of my system, I’ve got some vegan pluses to be positively gruntled about.

A is for Activism!
B is for the Brilliant, engaged people who are ushering in a new world
C is for Cashew cheese: What did we do before you?
D is for Diversity, increasing all the time
E is for Entrepreneurs who aren't patently evil
F is for Food that doesn’t harm others
G is for Garbanzo beans, which gives us both hummus and aquafaba!
H is for!
I is for Intersectionality because people are starting to understand that we are a social justice movement and different forms of oppression are interlinked
J is for Jackfruit because, huzzah, now we have a new meat!
K is for the Kaleidoscopic array of fruits and vegetables that dazzle the senses
L is for Living in alignment

is for Message gear!
N is for Never having to feel like a hypocrite.
O is for Our self-righteousness, because at least it’s better than self-wrongteousness
P is for Poops that are the best ever!
Q is for Quality of life (see above)
R is for the Right side of history
is for the Save Movement

is for Traditions that don’t harm others
is for the Vibrant community of Vegans
W is for the Whole, wide world of ingredients we’ve discovered since “restricting” our diets
X is for the Xenophiles who are introducing international vegan recipes that expand our culinary vocabulary
Y is for the Youth who are moving veganism to new dimensions
Z is for the Zest for life you find when you live purposefully

What vegan-related thing are you disgruntled about? What are you positively gruntled about? Now is your chance to get it all out of your system or shout it happily from the rooftops. Let's hear it, friends!


  1. My favourite list, every year! Thank you, Marla! Always good for a laugh - and a knowing eyeroll and sigh ;-)

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