30 Things That Won’t Happen Just Because You Went Vegan

No promises, though. 


1. You won’t fall over and die, at least not because you went vegan.

2. You won’t live forever, either.

3. You won’t suddenly become a supermodel if you weren’t one before you went vegan.

4. You won’t become a misanthrope. Probably. If you keep aggravating us, though, there are no promises.


5. You won’t get a vegan police badge.

6. Unless you do. It’s completely optional.

7. You won’t suddenly start wearing lettuce leaves for clothing.

8. Oh, god. I swear, this is not required.

9. You won’t face off against the Paleos, snapping your fingers and doing dramatic dance moves a la the Jets vs. the Sharks from West Side Story. It’s fun to imagine this, though.

10. You won’t lose your sense of humor, I promise.

11. You won’t get fat.

12. You won’t get skinny.

13. You won’t force omnis to try your cashew cheese and stand over them with a creepy smile until they tell you they like it. At least, you’ll try to not smile creepily.

14. You won’t transform your vehicle into a mobile bumper sticker display unit.

15. Unless you do just that.

16. You won’t have daydreams about Ted Nugent going hunting with a tipsy, trigger-happy, near-sighted Dick Cheney. Necessarily.

17. You won’t roll your eyes reflexively every time you discover that someone who calls himself a vegan eats fish “occasionally.” You will just never associate with him again.

18. You won’t develop Gummy Mouth Syndrome from eating nutritional yeast straight out of the tub. Necessarily.

19. You won’t walk around the farmers market trying to find shots that will be the most impressive with the vintage-y filter on Instagram. Necessarily.

20. You won’t stamp a vegan message on all your dollars.

21. You won’t because it’s just as easy and more personal to write it out by hand.

22. You won’t strike up conversations with random strangers at the tofu-tempeh-seitan section of the grocery store. You will strike up conversations in the produce section, the bulk aisle, the check-out aisle and the tofu-tempeh-seitan section. Oh, sometimes the meat counter, too, when you’re feeling feisty.

23. You won’t necessarily have your LDL/HDL ratio and blood pressure committed to memory in case you have the occasion to bring them up in a debate. You may just have it written down somewhere you can easily access at any time.

24. You won’t plan your vacations around food. You will plan your whole life around it.

25. You won’t get all excited when you find out that a celebrity is vegan. You know that you are only setting yourself up for crushing disappointment if you do.

26. You won’t sit out your family’s Thanksgiving meal in protest. You will go so they can look at you in the face as they shove body parts, mammary secretions and ovum into their faces.

27. You won’t dress in potato sacks and hemp sandals.

28. Unless you really want to do that.

29. You won’t have a constant bowl of cashews soaking. I mean, if you have a nut allergy you won’t.

30 You won’t have a panic attack when the only bananas at the grocery store are phosphorescent green. You won’t because you already have three bunches of back-up bananas in various stages of ripeness at home, not counting the ones that are already in the freezer.

 Who runs out of bananas? Amateurs.