Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Snappy Retorts, Part One: Lions and Natives and Bacon, Oh My!



 “What about the antelopes? They eat plants.”


“So you model your habits around what a lion does or does not do? How does this carry over to the rest of your life? For example, would you also kill and cannibalize your young if they were sickly?”

“An adult lion also can sleep for 18 - 20 hours a day. Maybe you should go back to bed.”


“So that’s what you’re doing with that KFC bucket? Being a lion? I bow to your ferocity, Simba.”

“Chasing after an ice cream truck is probably not the same as running after an antelope, bro.”



“I am wondering which of the 562 tribes native to the United States you are referring to here. You wouldn’t possibly be painting all Native Americans cultures, communities, and traditions with the same broad brush, would you?”

“That sounds far more spiritually evolved than simply allowing others to live. Namaste. Oops, wrong culture but it probably doesn’t matter to you.”


“Do you also give thanks for climate change, water pollution, and rainforest destruction? Because you are actively playing a role in that, too.”


“Yes, I am sure they appreciate your supposed thankfulness far more than they would your empathy and compassion.”


“I understand how you feel. I gave thanks to the guy I just beat up and mugged for his iPhone and I’m sure he’ll be fine with that once he regains consciousness.”




“Mmm...heart disease. Mmm...stroke. Mmm...slaughter. Mmm...torture. Should I go on?”


“Touché and with those three syllables, you have destroyed any reasonable counter-argument to eating animals for ethical, health, and/or environmental reasons.”

“By ‘Mmm...bacon,’ what exactly do you mean? It is not a complete sentence. Could you explain what you are trying to convey? That bacon tastes good to you? Exactly how is that relevant to the topic at hand?”




“I will presume that you are being sarcastic because Homer Simpson was supposed to be a cautionary tale, not someone to emulate. Right? Right.”


“It’s been at least five minutes since a meat-eater said this to me, so kudos for sharing your highly original perspective on the joys of eating bacon as well as your rapier wit.”

27 comments:

CM said...

Food is like religion. You are raised with it, eventually you choose to either stick with what you were raised with or change to something different. Most people choose not to change simply because they like what they were raised with and have never known anything different. Traveling overseas, trying new foods, visiting ancient temples from around the world - these experiences broaden the mind to new things. With respect to sausages it would really depend on how many people could watch pigs being slaughtered, watch sausages being made, and then still feel hungry for sausages afterwards. It really depends on what they love more: The pig, or the sausages.

Anonymous said...

I didn't know that bacon quote came from Homer Simpson. Was he baiting Lisa, who is of course vegan.

shelties11 said...

I'm going to memorize these answers! I like to be prepared — I much prefer to look intelligent rather than stuttering with dismay. You always have the right words, and we appreciate that. Thank you :-)

Gemma Smit said...

Another bacon one is..."According to Google pork tastes just like human...you'd make a good cannibal."

Anonymous said...

Mmm, bacon.
Awww, piglets.

Anonymous said...

My heart takes priority over my taste buds.

Michael Lanier said...

Vegan :noun, Native American word for poor hunter.

Anonymous said...

Michael Lanier: noun, Native American for 'asshat'.

Sheryl Opsahl said...

Michael Lanier .noun. earthling. Lack of humanity��

Anonymous said...

Haaaaaaa

Marla said...

Michael Lanier: Noun. Individual lacking in originality.

PS:
Hunter: Noun. Native American word for poor forager.

The Feasible Vegan said...

Marla, where is the "Like" button for your comment?!

Anonymous said...

is that artwork a marla rose original?

Marla said...

That is a great observation, CM: "It really depends on what they love more: The pig, or the sausages." I agree that it largely comes down to that.

Marla said...

Anonymous, here are some Homer Simpson bacon quotes up until 2008:
http://www.royalbaconsociety.com/2008/03/12/top-10-bacon-quotes-from-homer-simpson/

Marla said...

Thank you, Shelties11! It's one of those things that is much easier to think of after the fact but practicing helps. :)

Marla said...

I like that, Gemma!

Marla said...

Thank you, Feasible Vegan. :)

Marla said...

Yes, Anonymous, they are originals from me.

Anonymous said...

I don't think it comes down to who/what do they love more, the pig or the sausage. I don't have to love the pig to choose not to harm the pig. I don't have to love my neighbor to decide not to hit him. In fact, there are a lot of people I don't like and I still don't harm them. It is about making the moral choice to value the life of another living being. One day I hope it is not only a matter of individual choice, but social mores, as well.

Bea Elliott said...

“So that’s what you’re doing with that KFC bucket? Being a lion? I bow to your ferocity, Simba.” Priceless!

Angie Oxley said...

Hilarious lol love it!

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Jesse Dylan Watson said...

I can tell how much latent frustration I have, because after nodding along to this post, I want to add more retorts to it. :)

Anonymous said...

I just spit out my tea laughing so hard!

Brent Summers said...

These are some of the silliest blog posts I've ever read. It sounds like an offended 18 year old blurting out the first thing that comes to mind. You sound like a little teenager trying to understand who she wants to be. If you want to help people to become a vegan don't post stupid questions that. 001% of non vegans ask you then respond in a childish manor. Actually give people information on how, why, and the best way to be a vegan. "Animal rights" should not be your deciding dietary factor.

Anonymous said...

Brent, you're the one coming off like a child now. It's her blog; it's for her to be as childish (or not) as she pleases.