Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Snappy Retorts, Part Two: Hitler's Humane Teeth




“Really? That’s not what the historian Rynn Berry found. Also, even if he had been a vegetarian, how is this relevant to me? I’m a vegan, not a vegetarian.”



“So you’re saying that even for the individual who most personifies evil, eating animals was too barbaric? What does that say about eating animals?”



“So were Josef Stalin, Pol Pot, Idi Amin and Mao Zedong. Oh, wait. No, they weren’t. Oops. I’m sorry: what were you saying again?”



“Because having empathy for the billions of sensitive beings killed each year to maintain our habits is clearly consistent with being one of history’s most horrific killers, right?”



“Yes, of course. His ideology was outlined in his manifesto, ‘Mein Kale.’ That will always haunt the vegan community.”






“Well, it’s certainly very reasonable to think that we can acquire the flesh of another being through humane means. Oh, look! A sparkly unicorn frolicking with a leprechaun!”



“I’m sure those animals you will eat are very thankful that their throats will be unnecessarily slashed with loving-kindness rather than violence. How sweet.”



“Is it hard to eat when you have to stop and pat yourself on the back all the time?”



“How is it that ‘humane meat‘ is only about one percent of what is produced in the United States but every meat-eater I know claims to only eat that kind? How is that possible? Do you guys have an exclusive buying club or something?”



“I humane mugged someone today on my way to humane robbing the local charity so I totally get what you’re saying.” 



















“Those little, slightly pointy teeth? Yes, those will certainly strike fear and dread in the hearts of all the zebras you encounter.”


“Those so-called canine teeth are also found on herbivorous animals and used to chew tougher fiber. But if you want to imagine that you’re a big, tough lion of the Serengeti, that’s up to you.”



“So you supposedly have these fearsome canine teeth but you lack large paws, sharp claws, a massive jaw and the ability to outrun your prey? You sound pretty bad ass.”



“So one possible explanation for how you turned out is that instead of putting all that energy into maximizing your brain power, your body decided to invest in developing those ‘terrifying’ canine teeth of yours instead? It seems like a bit of a lose-lose, but whatever.”








“Dracula called. He thinks you’re a poser.”

40 comments:

shelties11 said...

Wonderful, as always! I'm going to remember these.

proud womon said...

oh marla, what can i say apart from brilliant (can't stop the laughter tears, oops, dribbling too!!!)

this one is a definite re-post!!!

Capt. James Tea Cook said...

From a dinner party

"I only eat happy meat"

"Right, so all the really miserable tortured factory farmed animals, desperate to have a holiday in Switzerland at The Dignitas facility, you are going to leave them all to suffer.........and go kill a happy one just so you can have a bacon sandwich instead of a Facon sandwich?"

Kathryn said...

“How is it that ‘humane meat‘ is only about one percent of what is produced in the United States but every meat-eater I know claims to only eat that kind? How is that possible? Do you guys have an exclusive buying club or something?”

BEST THING I'VE EVER READ....EVER

Anonymous said...

If your goal is to be confrontational, these responses are great. If your goal us to convert meat eaters. ..maybe not so great.

Anonymous said...

Well said.

Capt James Tea Cook said...

Less Confrontational ?

How about

You eat happy meat? Oh that's very good first step, I'm sure if the animals were still alive they'd shake your hand and thank you very much .....

Adam said...

It's true Anonymous, these are somewhat confrontational, but so are the comments for which they would be responses.. so the person is already establishing that they aren't thinking a whole lot before they speak, or they're just trying to get a rise out of us.. either way the responses could make them realize how ridiculous they sound, and maybe plant a seed to get them thinking a little bit deeper..

but our goal should never be to convert someone, if that's the case then we're going to constantly feel like failures.. all we can do is educate and provide information, it's up to the other person to do with that what they will

Anonymous said...

What ever happened to each their own

Anonymous said...

OH MY GOD. NO ONE FUCKING CARES YOU'RE A VEGAN. NO ONE IS IDIOTIC ENOUGH TO HAVE SUCH A STUPID POINTLESS ARGUMENT. GET YOUR MIDDLE SCHOOL FAUX-ARGUMENTS THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. I RUN MARATHONS, CURED A SOMETIMES FATAL DISEASE AND I ENJOY A FUCKING STEAK SOMETIMES. YOU THINK A LION GIVES A FUCK? FUCK YOU.

Anonymous said...

I agree. Be less aggressive to win them over to your side. :)

Anonymous said...

Yes. Educate and provide information with more tact and grace! Sarcasm in Marla's retorts turns me off immediately. :(

Anonymous said...

Ahem, ALL-CAPS, screaming, angry person: Believe it or not, these "stupid, pointless arguments" have been experienced by each of us. I kid you not - every non-Vegan I know has initiated these attempted debates. It's based in their feeling guilty, thus they mount a defensive attack. I agree, it is idiotic. It's very cool you run marathons - you might enjoy the book "Thrive" by Brendan Brazier.

Anonymous said...

"I humane mugged someone today" = LOL.

Mar, I had to tell you about my fearsome canine teeth. I am a tooth grinder and mouth-biter (my own, I mean) and have the dental wear to prove it. A while back, I said to my dentist, "Now, what's the difference between canines and incisors? I can never remember." He told me, "The canines are the ones that are supposed to have points on them." Ahem, it appears that I wore down my canine teeth. What does this say about how I evolved?

Rainy

Veggie Girl said...

If you don't like Marla's point of view, don't visit her blog.

It's really simple.

Veggie Girl said...

And LOL big time about Dracula! Classic!

Ruth said...

Yup. One (of many) reasons I'm not interested in becoming vegan is that it seems to almost always come with an automatic side dish of 'I am SO much better than you because I choose not to eat any animal products' It comes across as religious extremism and evangelism without the religion!

Anonymous said...

I literally lol'ed. And then I lol'ed again when I read the all-caps comment.

I swear I actually have said some of this in my head, and definitely aloud when I could get away with it. And like every vegan I know, I've heard about Hitler's firm support of peta as a result of my ordering something labeled "vegan" without making further comment.

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

^ I think it works both ways though. From my experience, meat eaters are always trying to make me feel inferior for being vegan, like they always have an amused look on their face. Therefore, if they try to discredit my beliefs, I am well within my rights to give as good as I get. As I vegan, I don't feel like I'm better than anyone and I'm certainly not trying to encourage anyone to live by my understanding of right/wrong, that's for the individual to decide. I think people may misinterpret the constant feeling that we need to defend ourselves as pompous superioty. I'm just saying, I think vegans are generally misunderstood:)

Anonymous said...

"If you don't like Marla's point of view, don't visit her blog.

It's really simple. "

Well in order to know if I disagree with her point of view I'd have to visit her blog to read it, wouldn't I? And if I disagree don't I have a right to post my comment in something like, oh, I don't know a comment section? Since when has the internet been about quietly disagreeing? This whole blog entry is the antithesis of your comment.

Vanilla Rose said...

To shouty capital person - what disease did you cure and how?

To Ruth - seriously? You're seriously arguing that your dislike of vegans is what decides how you treat animals? For real?

And yes, these answers are used when the non-vegan has decided they want to try and outwit us. Ha! We've heard all this stuff so many times before.

proud womon said...

"GET YOUR MIDDLE SCHOOL FAUX-ARGUMENTS THE FUCK OUT OF HERE." ... hmmm, i thought this was marla's blog - think she's entitled to write what she wants... seems you have a real problem there angry shouty anonymous - why don't you take your violent, confrontational crap elsewhere...

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
shelties11 said...

For Ruth — Please reconsider your feelings about not eating animals. You can be a vegan, save animals from monstrous suffering, and not tell anyone. You can be a silent vegan, passing off your food preferences as allergies, problems with digestion, or doctor's orders. You can say you're eating for your own health and never mention the animals. There are popular books and videos about eating "plant-strong" — The Engine 2 Diet is one — that are about human health.

You don't have to speak to anyone about it if you don't want to. I promise that you will feel a great joy inside, knowing that you are saving other beings from cruelty and slaughter.

Marla said...

Thank you, Shelties11!

Marla said...

Thank you, proud womon!

Marla said...

I like it, Captain James Tea Cook. Yes, killing happy ones seems so much more...reasonable. :/

Marla said...

Hee, thank you, Kathryn!

Marla said...

To the various Anonymous people who want me to be less confrontational, well, sometimes I am. If you scroll through a few of these essays, most are non-confrontational. Still, this was called "Snappy Retorts." What were you expecting? A heartfelt treatise? Second, there are many, MANY ways to communicate our views on things and while snark isn't what I use all the time, humor still has a place in helping people to see different points of view. Do I use it all the time? No. Do I use it when I want to? Heck yes! Because the world would be pretty bland and boring without variety, right?

Marla said...

Thank you, Adam. I agree that they are somewhat confrontational but that is part of the whole picture of human responses to this war against animals. I would think that people would appreciate that I was not actively trying to convert because isn't that what vegans are accused of all the time? I think showing a diversity of approaches is helpful in the big picture. Anyway, I appreciate and agree with your thoughts. Thank you!

Marla said...

Anonymous, "to each their own" does not work in the case of violent oppression, at least I hope it doesn't to me if I am ever threatened. Just as I would stand up for another person who was being tyrannized, I will for the animals. And as we are dealing with the ecological fall-out from our addiction to consuming the way we want to whenever we want to, this platitude rings especially hollow.

Marla said...

Anonymous with the caps lock issue: You are too funny. Everything: hilarious. I am thinking of putting, "YOU THINK A LION GIVES A FUCK? FUCK YOU," on a shirt and I'd love to credit you but you didn't sign your name. It's a shame that you wouldn't get credit for that gem, too, because you sound like a very cool person.

Marla said...

Sorry about the sarcasm, Anonymous. What can I say? It happens.

Marla said...

Aw! You are evolving into even more of an herbivore, Rainy!

Marla said...

Thank you so much, Veggie Girl!

Marla said...

Oh, please, Ruth. Seriously. Own your own decision to eat animals and don't blame it on anything or anyone else. Now you don't like the tone of a blog post so you're going to continue to eat animals? Please. At least take ownership of your actions.

Marla said...

Thank you, Vanilla Rose!

Bea Elliott said...

Don't ever change your style or substance Marla. The vegan community desperately needs occasional levity and humor - Of which you supply brilliantly!

"Oh, look! A sparkly unicorn frolicking with a leprechaun!”

 Forever coined as the best representation of (the 1%) "happy meat" pushers. Thank you! Thank you!!!

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