Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Some Things You Should Know About Vegans





Because I am vegan...



It naturally follows that I really despise humanity. The sound of laughter is like nails scratching against the chalkboard of my soul.

Because I am vegan...




I spend my days carefully planning every item I will be eating or I may die of nutritional deprivation within moments. I carry an emergency supplementation backup kit just in case every meal I eat is not perfectly balanced.

Because I am vegan...


The plants in my garden tremble in fear when they know that I’m nearby. As difficult as it is, I try to not sentimentalize the plants because I know that the carrots, scallions, and kale know their rightful place in the food chain. I do not name them because I know I would get too attached.

Because I am vegan...




I carry buckets of red paint in my car at all times to throw on people in case I come across anyone wearing fur. Or leather. Or eating a hamburger. Or anyone who was at any point in their lives not vegan.

Because I am vegan...




I’ve taken a sworn oath to be an outspoken enemy of anything resembling merriment.

Because I am vegan...



I offer human sacrifices to my Ingrid Newkirk statuette every equinox and solstice.

Because I am vegan...

I wake up every morning with a renewed vigor to stick my nose into everyone’s business because I truly don’t have anything better to do.

Because I am vegan...



As I sleep, an  IV pumps soy isolate into my veins.

Because I am vegan...




I resent your entire existence.

Because I am vegan...


Whenever my angst level dips dangerously low, I can put on my wildly uncomfortable vinyl shoes to bring myself back into the safe zone of spirit-crushing despair.  


Because I am vegan...


Natural light hasn’t entered my home in years due to the dozens and dozens and dozens of feral cats I have blocking all the windows.

Because I am vegan...




I believe that accepted hygiene standards are a tool of the oppressor.



Because I am vegan...




Nothing you do will ever, ever be good enough.



Because I am vegan...




I am looking in your grocery cart and I am not pleased.



Because I am vegan...




I am counting the minutes until I can quit writing this so I can get back to plotting the violent overthrow of government, institutions, culture, community and family. 



Because I am vegan...




I really don’t like you.


Because I am vegan...




Look out your front door. Did you know I was protesting you?  


Because I am vegan...




Every day is a bit like April Fools’ Day. Or at least today is like it.



Because I am vegan...




There still may be one or two items that are a little close to the truth. I’m kidding.

(Or am I?)



Happy April Fools‘ Day!

23 comments:

  1. Fun post, Marla! Not going to lie, though - I do stare into people's animal product-laden grocery carts with a degree of disdain... ;-)

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    Replies
    1. So if a vegan looks at a non-vegan and sees meat, they're allowed to be disgusted and it's ok, funny even. But if a meat person sees lots of vegetables and "vegan baby food" (which, after doing extensive research for a 20 page research paper for my college biology class, I learned doesn't provide nearly enough nutrients for the baby, even if you think it does. There isn't any on the market that does, because babies need more than carrots and broccoli can give them, just an fyi), if I even remotely give a sideways glance, I'm shouted at in the middle of the grocery store for not respecting their beliefs to save animals. I apologise to that lady that I bought a pack of jello, but I was over run by her screaming that it's my fault that horses die.
      Bottom line: if you want respect from meat eaters, give us some respect and stop treating us like criminals.

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  2. I put a chunk of sirloin steak in my grocery basket to get a reaction from vegans before I put it in the 'Go Back' pile ;)

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  3. Hilarious Marla. I love the Ingrid Newkirk statuette.

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  4. Because I am vegan...



    I am looking in your grocery cart and I am not pleased.

    W-e-l-l .... Got me there. :/

    Fun stuff! Thnx for the laugh! :D

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  5. Oh yes, another Grimacer at Other People's Grocery Carts here! :-) Very funny list, the feral cats blocking the windows was another favorite!

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  6. Apropos humanity, cats and windows...You don't hate humanity??? I do, well most of the time anyway ... And the more so since some SOB or his mother run over our wonderful Pushkin last Monday evening! We still got 12 cats left to darken all our windows...

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  7. the Virgin IngridApril 5, 2014 at 3:36 AM

    Such a fine line between truth and fiction! Or is there?! bwahaha! Too funny!

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  8. I will admit to it myself, Lola. :D

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  9. You're naughty, Green Cooking.

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  10. It's certainly up there, Vanilla Rose. :D

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  11. I won't admit to anything, Bea. :D Thank you.

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  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  13. Hi, Laloofah! Where have you been???

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  14. Thank you, Virgin Ingrid. :D

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  16. I want to stick this to my face whenever I tell people that I'm vegan, just so that they know that they're right about me.

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  17. Hello Anonymous - I'm sorry, I don't get the comparison of mashed up carrots, peas and beans with the concoctions acquired through the remains of slaughterhouse evisceration and bodily dissections. There are plenty of healthy and thriving vegan babies... Search the web for overwhelming proof.

    Yes horses die... But odds are the hooves in your jello came from those who were killed: Murdered for marshmallows...

    As to wanting respect from meat-eaters, I have no such desire. I only wish they'd respect the sum of their own consciences. I wish they could extend respect to other living beings who have never harmed them. I wish they could value the lives of others who are here like we all are, for a brief and precious time. Yes, it is a crime to deny others their autonomy and their lives for the sake of our frivolous wants. We don't need to treat other creatures with callous indifference. I don't ask for "respect" from anyone... But I do insist on the decency that I know my species is capable of. It would be wonderful if more of us would rise to that challenge. Surely there's more to the goal of a good and happy life than a bowl of squishy, non-vegan "jello"?

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