Friday, December 29, 2017

Vegan Predictions for 2018

At Vegan Street, we spend a fair amount of time every week reading vegan news stories and researching trends. So much is happening as veganism enters the mainstream and ripples out! With that in mind, I’m pretty thrilled to share with you some exciting predictions for 2018.

Vegan Predictions for 2018

California breaks off from the continental US and becomes the largest free-floating, self-supporting vegan island, protected by impenetrable dolphin bubbles and a ferocious guard of mermaids. (Once non-vegans have vacated or been forced off the island, of course.) Those on the mainland US can gain entry to vegan island via airlifting if they can prove at least five years of unwavering vegan compliance.

Polar bears make the long trek from Alaska to Washington, DC, where they riot in the Rose Garden before breaking into the Oval Office and forcing all occupants into the icy Potomac, which will embolden a citizen-led revolt that dismantles the entire US government. In the months that follow, the White House lawn becomes an edible garden that is free to the public and the White House is turned into the People’s History Museum of the United States, based on Howard Zinn’s book.

A bad season of medjool dates sends shockwaves through the raw foods world, meaning raw foods chefs and restaurants must develop new recipes for every dessert from “caramel” to “brownies.”

David “Avocado” Wolfe develops a rare but acute repetitive strain injury when posting his 43rd chakra meme of the day, which results in him having a mental breakdown, renouncing his former name and re-emerging in 2019 as David “Churros” Wolfe.

Expect fermented skincare lines to trend.

A portal to another dimension on the space-time continuum is discovered in the Encino, CA Veggie Grill freezer.

After an outbreak of Yellow Sinus Disease is discovered among far-flung nutritional yeast users, the CDC releases an emergency public education campaign about the dangers of sniffing “nooch,” starring Joaquin Phoenix. This doubles as court-mandated community service for Mr. Phoenix.

The biggest basic cable breakthrough hit of 2018 will be a semi-scripted Bravo reality series following the chaotic lives and messy love triangles of the young and usually intoxicated waitstaff at Champs Diner in Brooklyn.

A shuttered vegan restaurant in Queensland, Australia is discovered to be a site of paranormal activity, where spectral forms can be observed wailing about burnt coconut bacon in the kitchen and slump-shouldered, orange-handed ghosts are seen peeling endless buckets of carrots.

In 2018, you will learn that “aquafaba” never really happened, it was just a very vivid collective dream.

Tofu becomes the trendy substitute for tofu.

PETA abandons its original mission and enters the direct-to-video adult film industry. 

Vegan wedding trends of 2018: Ice cube food; artisan, cold-pressed kale juice bonbons in mushroom “leather” boxes; designated “sober rooms,” where teetotalers have a safe haven for openly mocking inebriated, meat-eating guests; virtual reality headsets for all guests, giving them disturbingly realistic tours of slaughterhouses before the wedding meal.

Hottest home kitchen gadget: Bloody Well Done. With consumer demand stoked by the new “bleeding” vegan burgers (like the Impossible Burger and Beyond Burger), this new gadget will make it possible for any home cook to create a bleeding veggie patty or even nugget through the latest in injectable nano-technologies.

Hottest app: The new +25, a filter technology that makes all your food photos appear at least 25% healthier than they were.

Hottest consumer gadget: The Flavor Extractor. Like to eat out but want to avoid anything that could add flavor - and calories - to your meal? Flavor extractors will allow diners to discreetly remove salt, oil and sweeteners from food and leave them with the most utterly plain food possible.

Biggest flop: A billion-dollar Silicon Valley-based vegan food tech startup goes bankrupt when its product reaches stores and investors learn the hard way that no one really missed cottage cheese all that much.

What do you predict for the year ahead? 

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