Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Because...

 

Because...

Because you found a kitten who knocks everything little thing off your desk and steps on a button that shrinks all the screens on your computer.

Because you’ve never seen that before.

Because you have to ask your husband to fix it and he touches one button and it’s all back to normal.

Because you have to move into the dining room to work because the kitten you found is still in isolation in your office and so now you have to work out in the open and you feel so exposed.

Because you feel like a Very Bad Feminist for not knowing how to fix the computer yourself.

Because this reminds you that you don’t really know how to deal with an overflowing toilet other than to tell someone who does know how to deal with it.

Because you actually do have a toilet that’s not working now as well as a refrigerator that has, for like the fourth time this year, stopped keeping things cold, which is the most basic job of a refrigerator.

Because you shouldn’t be so haughty about things because you can’t write, which is the most basic job of a writer.

Because you and the fridge have something in common.

Because you are a fraud, too. Oh, and also…

Because you are both defective.

Because the fridge guy just came and it’s not covered by the guarantee from his visit a few weeks ago because it’s a whole different malfunctioning part now.

Because this is getting expensive.

Because you bought a cheap-ass refrigerator because you are an “artist” or something along those lines and you should have been smarter about planning your future.

Because you are irresponsible.

Because you are so foolish.  

Because anyone who has ever had anything negative to say about you was absolutely right, from the girl in Pre-K who said that your socks don’t match your top to the woman who is still waiting for a press release from you.

Because the woman who is still waiting didn’t say anything negative but you know that she is thinking it.

Because you have ruined her life with this waiting.

Because you are selfish.

Because you can’t function like a normal adult.

Because you’ve been waking up with a palpable sense of dread plopped across your chest like an oil slick and you take walks and you exercise and you meditate but it’s still there, pressing the breath out of you.

Because you get no answers when you ask of that black splotch of dread that is plopped across your chest, “What are you about, black splotch of dread? Why are you here?”

Because whenever that black splotch really presses up against you to the point where you can’t keep it to yourself, you say to your husband, “Everything’s going to be okay,” and sometimes he looks at you like, “What is the matter with you?” or like you’re five-years-old but he still says, “Yes. There is nothing to worry about.”

Because this helps for a minute but then you are back to being ridiculous and ruining everyone’s life.

Because you were working on something else to post but it really is a dud.

Because, wow, you really suck.

Because your husband is working on the living room couch and he is on the phone for work and there is no door to separate you now that a being whose weight is still measured in the ounces has taken over your office and you can’t concentrate.

Because he is such a good person anyway and you are an ingrate.

Because this whole post is an exercise in pure self-absorption.

Because how is this helping the animals???

Because when did you become such a whiner?

Because do you really want to do this in public?

Because do you want all three people who read your blog to know that you are so pathetic?

Because didn’t Marilyn Monroe say, “…If you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best,” or something like that?

Because, no, she did not.

Because Sagacious Marilyn is a fraud as well. Join me and the fridge, Sagacious Marilyn.

Because you just sort of smiled despite yourself.

Because the fraudulent fridge still has a working freezer and there is food in there.

Because the toilet is still broken but the one upstairs works and you have indoor plumbing and a house and you don’t have to sleep outside in the rain like your kitten did before you found her.

Because she is so sweet and so cute that it makes your heart ache in a good way.

Because the black splotch of dread is still there but you just had five minutes or so without it reminding you of its presence.

Because you can work with this.

Because everyone has days or weeks like this.

Because anyone who doesn’t isn’t someone you want to know.

Because your husband’s right: everything is going to be okay.

Because even if he didn't say that, you know it's true.

Everything is going to be okay.




8 comments:

Vanilla Rose said...

It's like you read my mind, except about the husband and the toilet, but the rest and stuff.

The Avocado Mama said...

Mama said there'd be days like this...

shelties11 said...

Sending love <3 <3 <3

Lisa Viger said...

Ahhhhhh!!! I woke up with that black splotch of dread this morning, too!!

I've got no advice, but am wishing you well :)

leslie joan linder said...

awesome, thank you for being there!

japie said...

I wish I could help you feel as good as you help me feel on a regular basis. You are me black splotch eraser!

Boris L said...

<3 glad you learned to not be so hard on yourself.. also.. I wanna try this exercise.. except never post it on the web...

jennifer (joyful vegan) said...

<3