You’d better believe it is happening, suckas. Lead, follow or get out of the way because no matter what you choose, the vegan revolution is upon us, so it’s best to just accept that fact. Doubt me? Let’s look at ten rock solid facts that prove that the vegan revolution is imminent.
- We see your wall of laxatives and we raise you fiber. Walk into any drugstore and you will find row after row of products designed to make your bowels do what they are supposed to do naturally. Do you know what you are not doing when you are sitting on the potty, trying to go to the bathroom? You are not moving up the corporate ladder, you are not creating great works of art, you are not changing the world. You may be getting caught up with your new Pottery Barn catalog but is this how you envisioned spending your time? You know who is not wasting time in the bathroom? Vegans. Seriously, we are in and out. Bim-bam. We’re not in there counting bathroom tiles. Also, omnivores spend not only excessive time in the bathroom but money on laxatives, antacids, aids for lactose intolerance, heart disease and cholesterol-lowering drugs. You know what we take? B-12.
- We’re adaptive and flexible. Despite the public perception of us being a bunch of impossibly rigid doctrinaires, we’re like the MacGyvers of food, masters of improvisation, capable of turning millet, some frozen peas, a half a lemon, a quickly ripening avocado, an onion and nutritional yeast into not only a meal but one worthy of blogging about. The same goes for eating out: Seriously, once I was stuck in rural Illinois and I made a pretty decent meal at a toll plaza with what I could find at a Chinese restaurant (rice), a Middle Eastern place (hummus) and a Mexican restaurant (hot sauce). Veganism is expensive? You guys crack me up.
- We’re a bunch of well-rounded smarties. Simply by living as vegans in society, we are often called upon to be adroit at discussing and debating world religion, evolution, history, human physiology, philosophy, nutrition, ecology, logic and more. We’ve had to research, craft and hone persuasive arguments and defend them at the drop of a hat. Who else is expected to have such a wide breadth of knowledge? Tennis players? Furniture makers? Seriously, anyone who walks into a debate with a vegan and expects an easy-breezy time of it is in for a rude awakening. The revolution is ours!
- Our entrepreneurs are totally working it. Craving chicken without wanting to contribute to animal cruelty or global warming? Got it covered. Want to grill a brat without eating a tortured cow? Yeah, you can have that, too. Want to live in style while doing it? No sweat. Oh, and Bill Gates, the nerd-king of philanthropy-minded entrepreneurialism, kind of thinks we’re on to something so I’m going to run with it.
- We can read labels at warp speed and with incredible accuracy. Whey is not going to slip past our laser-focused, squint-eyed scrutiny, let alone freaking carmine. I’m not sure what this particular skill has to do with the revolution, but it has to count for something. At the very least, those unaccustomed to scrutinizing labels will not get the cushy jobs after the revolution, that much is certain.
- We’re early adopters. Who do you see leading the way to the future, the namby-pamby ones who just sort of aimlessly wander about like wind-up toys or the ones with real foresight? For example, vegans were waaaaaaay ahead of the curve in terms of being all over kale’s business. We worshipped those dark leafy greens when everyone else was still scrunching up their noses and going, “EW! What’s that?” Okay, so we occasionally border on fetishizing kale. There are worse things.
- We’re faster. Not only do we not have animal products squeezing plaque in our arteries like toothpaste, making our tummies revolt and forcing us to hang out in the bathroom (see #1), but we’ve had to learn to move fast on our feet because we know if we are even five minutes late to the vegan potluck, we may only get the last torn dregs of a salad and some broken tortilla chips. The new world order will smile most favorably upon the upon the speediest revolutionaries.
- We’ve got thick skins. Yeah, we kind of have the unfortunate reputation as the sensitive, mopey types, weeping over our already tear-stained Morrissey lyrics, but we are made of surprisingly resilient stuff. We’re used to being the elephant in the room so we can take whatever you toss our way. Did we ruin the family’s Thanksgiving celebration just by showing up? Been there. Did we get blamed when Aunt Betty’s birthday at the steak house is less enjoyable because people feel guilty when they looked at us with our iceberg lettuce salad? Done that. Were we accused of being judgmental, ungracious, rude, holier-than-thou and misanthropic simply for existing as vegans? Yes, of course, a million times, you bet, yeppers. Do we enjoy being called names for following our ethics? No. Can we handle it? Yes. We are a stronger breed of people.
- We’re thrifty. Has the price of meat, eggs and dairy and free-range unicorn hooves got you down? You won’t catch the vegans whining because we know how to kick it like the least affluent people around the globe: grains, legumes, seasonal produce, herbs, growing our own, and so on. Wastefulness is not a quality of revolutionaries.
- MILK. Just milk. Have you seen the dazzling array of non-dairy milks lately? Hazelnut, cashew, flax, oat, horchata, vanilla hemp, chocolate almond, coconut-rainbow-magick-sunbeam milk?! Who the heck buys cow’s milk anymore? Seriously. Boring, average people who will soon be steamrollered over by the revolutionary tanks of vegan love, that’s who.
It’s happening. It’s time to accept the inevitable.