Tuesday, January 29, 2013

My Canine Teeth and Superior Intelligence Will Help Me To Annihilate You, Rabbit.



I see you, bunny.

I am a human so that means that my keen eyesight and sharp reasoning skills have helped me to deduce that you are indeed loose in my back yard.

Oh, you are going to wish that you were never born. I am salivating down my canine teeth at the thought of your tender organs in my fearsome mouth. As soon as I’m done checking my messages, I am so vanquishing you, my tender quarry.

Now I am hiding in the hydrangea bushes next to my deck, the smartest place to remain undetected, just as I would in the African savannah. The hose is coiled next to me like the most threatening python that ever lived, the rake lying there like an antelope skeleton. It’s like Animal Planet back here. Stealthily, I am watching you between the branches with my lazer-sharp focus. You have no idea. Crouched, I breathe silently, purposefully, and reserve my energy for that precise moment when you - Oh, damn it! My phone is vibrating in my shirt pocket. Or is that my chest, buzzing with adrenaline? Nah, it was my phone. Hair cut at 4:30.

Keep munching on that dandelion, you simple-minded little herbivore. It will be your last one. While you are doing that, I am mentally devising the best strategy for your swift but brutal end, rabbit.  With cat-like grace, I will pounce, dive and grasp you in my devastating grip right before I sink my teeth in your jugular. Your resistance will be brief but noble as you find yourself in a life-or-death battle with an adversary who far outmatches you. Even your adorable little brain will grasp the futility of your struggle as you finally submit to my might and far superior mental capacity. Your end will be well-earned and so sweet. I will browse from my collection of Epicurious recipes before I finally determine the one worthy of serving as your final act. Perhaps you, some raw, small-batch goat cheese and grilled endive on that Mid-Century Modern platter I fought to the death for in a bidding war on eBay with cilantro and red bell pepper for color? A composed salad? BOOM: Pinterest that shit. If I’m not asked to be admin of the Paleo Facebook group after this, I don’t know what I’m going to have to do.

I’m going to hunt-and-gather the ever-loving crap out of you, rabbit. Is it just me or is it so fucking Pleistocene back here? Oh wait, I just remembered that UPS was supposed to deliver my new GPS this afternoon. I hope he just leaves it on my stoop. But then what if someone steals it? I don’t want to have to drive to Saturday’s Caveman Diet Meet-Up without my GPS. Damn it. I’d better check the UPS truck location. What? No goddamn signal? Again? What is wrong with Verizon? Dumping those stooges. Oh, I am so tweeting about this. They messed with the wrong -

Wait!

Where the hell is my rabbit? GOD. I hate my life.

Sigh. You won this round, you little bastard. Next time, I am going to GPS your ass. Oh, you are going to wish you were never born. Where the hell is my delivery?!

12 comments:

Fireweed said...

LOL! How am I allowed to have this much fun reading what is actually completely serious shit before breakfast?! Oh yah…my breakfast won't have any bits of bone, bunny fluff or sinew in it…and I'm reading Vegan Feminist Agitator! It's gonna be a good day for widdle bunnies and weepy bunny huggers prepared to bite back…like me. Thanks Sister Marla!:) -Fireweed xo

Lucas said...

Unlike those who think that "Paleo" dieting makes any sense whatsoever, this post is absolutely brilliant!
Thank you!

Vanilla Rose said...

Brilliant! But you forgot his "Paleos against monoculture" T-shirt. Which is made of, um, cotton.

Robert Grillo said...

A wonderful spoof! I love it. Bookmarked and hoped to share when I confront "appropriate" situations.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant.

Bea Elliott said...

Yeah... Those hydrangea bushes are a perfect disguise when wearing baby blue cammo gear!

Such funny stuff! Thanks so much for a good laugh - You totally rock Marla! ;)

Marla said...

Love you, Fireweed!

Marla said...

Thanks, Lucas!

Marla said...

That is HILARIOUS, Vanilla Rose!

Marla said...

Thanks, Robert!

Marla said...

Thanks, Bea! You rock, too!

Andrew said...

mal de caribou (rabbit/reindeer *etc starvation) awaits you - protein poisoning exists , but one can exist fine for weeks , months , on just wheat grass juice or just cherries in whatever quantities - but surely our finger nails could maul a reindeer or at least a field mouse so we could savor its intestines and urea and get at its digested meal of weeds and nuts