Thursday, April 26, 2012

When Vegans (Almost) Rule the World...


When vegans (almost) rule the world, vegan nutritionists will be consulted on mainstream news stories about omnivorous diets. They will look very concerned and, while saying that it might be possible to not die prematurely as an omnivore, those people should be very careful with their meal planning.

When vegans (almost) rule the world, omnivores will complain amongst themselves about all the photos their herbivorous friends upload onto Facebook of their animal-free food. "Ugh, do I need to see this all the time?" they will say. "Is there no safe haven?"

When vegans (almost) rule the world, expectant omnivorous parents will be asked, "Well, I understand that you eat animal products, but you're not planning to force that upon your child, are you?"

When vegans (almost) rule the world, omnivores will dread every Thanksgiving. They will have to get together with their vegan relatives and sit silently as dish after dish is served, not even a piece of turkey or anything else from an animal on the table. They will wish that on a holiday, they could just be accepted for who they are.

When vegans (almost) rule the world, meat-eaters will have to eat the foul, cobbled together Omnivore Plate at weddings.

When vegans (almost) rule the world, once identified as meat-eaters, omnivores will have to listen to stories from co-workers about "the cousin of a friend of my neighbor whose son was dating an omnivore and she got really sick and died" and that sort of thing. 

When vegans (almost) rule the world, the best chefs will roll their eyes at omnivorous requests. "I cannot work with such inferior ingredients," they will say. "Those with boring, unsophisticated palates and extreme limitations shouldn't come to my restaurant expecting to eat."

When vegans (almost) rule the world, omnivores will be irritated by how they are depicted on television ("So stereotypic!") and they will be crushed when their favorite meat-eating celebrities jump ship and start promoting veganism. "It just makes us all look flaky."

When vegans (almost) rule the world, it will be implied that omnivores are pushy and out-of-touch when they try to defend their eating habits.

When vegans (almost) rule the world, omnivorous parents will worry that their children's packed lunches don't look appetizing. They will also hope that their children's lunches don't draw too much negative attention to them.

When vegans (almost) rule the world, omnivores will be bitterly disappointed when they discover that their carry-out food has vegetables all over it and no meat.

When vegans (almost) rule the world, smart phones will have special apps to help omnivores find the restaurants that serve meat.

When vegans (almost) rule the world, omnivores will be competitive with each other over how long they've been omnivorous and judge one another for their motivations for eating meat.

When vegans (almost) rule the world, meat-eaters will hear stories from people at parties about how they used to be omnivorous but they had to quit because it was just too hard. Plus, they felt too weak and sickly.

When vegans (almost) rule the world, omnivores will feel uncomfortable when people stare at their food with a mixture of disgust and morbid curiosity. "Ew! What was that?" people will say.

When vegans (almost) rule the world, it will be implied that men who are omnivores are wimps and women who are omnivores are on crazy diets. Never mind. When vegans (almost) rule the world, we'll be done with that nonsense.

When vegans (almost) rule the world, meat-eaters will lament the lack of positive role models and wish that they didn't publicly embarrass each other all the time. Omnivores who argue with each other are accused of "hurting the movement."

When vegans (almost) rule the world, when two meat-eaters get married, their friends will ask, "You're not going to have an omnivorous wedding, are you?"

When vegans (almost) rule the world, omnivores will be derided for eating mock tofu and faux tempeh and they will be told that no one understands why they'd want to eat an imitation of something that they supposedly don't like. It will be implied that they are clearly stifling their inner-vegan.

When vegans (almost) rule the world, some omnivores will be told that they look healthy despite their habits.

When vegans (almost) rule the world, when groups of omnivores and vegans go out to eat together, the omnivores just know that they will have to suffer through some half-assed meal by a chef who doesn't know how to cook "their" food.

When vegans (almost) rule the world, it will be implied that omnivores must have a ton of willpower to live the way that they do.

When vegans (almost) rule the world, omnivores will meet each other through the website MeatyDate.com.

When vegans (almost) rule the world, whenever omnivores adopt a dog or cat, they will be asked what they will feed them.

When vegans (almost) rule the world, it will be assumed that any ailment or injury an omnivore has is directly linked to that person's diet.

When vegans (almost) rule the world, it will be implied that omnivores are hypocrites if they wear non-leather shoes.

When vegans (almost) rule the world, omnivores will roll their eyes every time someone asks them where they get their fiber.

When vegans (almost) rule the world, omnivores will always be accused of having an agenda.

When vegans (almost) rule the world, it will be implied that omnivores are uptight, inhibited puritans, chomping on dead bodies, ovum and secretions, when it's clear that luscious fruits and vegetables are what the sexy people eat.

When vegans (almost) rule the world, omnivores will be told collectively to get a life.

15 comments:

Mylène said...

This is excellent!

Rhea Parsons said...

I read this aloud, laughing, clapping and nodding. Pure genius. And yet at the same time, how sad to think that each of those "When vegans (almost) rule the world" scenarios are the real struggles vegans have to go through every single day just to be compassionate and live according to their consciences. Bravo!

Marrisa said...

Fantastic! Really well done, I honestly get so tired of all the conflict all the time that this light hearted look cheered me up. Thanks :)

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Fii would say the only person who needs to get a life is you :) Why are people like yourself obsessed with compartmentalising everyone? You need to accept that we are all different and have different needs and choices.
Just because you think you are right does not give you the right to bully everyone else into living the way you do in order to make the world a more comfortable place for yourself to live in. Viva la difference

proud womon said...

brilliant Marla...

anonymous seems to have a problem though - bullying? I thought it was your blog which entitles you to write what you like - how do you bully someone when they've chosen to read your blog?

keep sharing that wit, wisdom and sarcasm Marla - we all love it!!!!!!!!

Marla said...

Thank you, Myléne!!

Marla said...

Thank you, Rhea! While it was a lot of fun to write, I very much share your emotions. Why are we still dealing with this? What if the shoe were on the other foot?

Marla said...

Thank you, Marrissa! Humor is one of our best tools for dealing with the nonsense. :)

Marla said...

Hee, anonymous! You crack me up! The fact is, we are told to "get a life" all the darn time for having deep convictions and it's that painful for you to deal with for even a second in satire? That's funny. And it's kind of interesting how you see me "bullying" others into living the way I think they should. First of all, how on earth is this "bullying." Second, how about owning the fact that what omnivores do may be "a choice" simply because animals are enslaved and don't have "a choice." It seems that hurting others for temporary pleasures is much closer to bullying that a satiric writing piece.

Marla said...

Thank you, Proud Womon! Yes, somehow my blog was being a big ol' meanie. :D

Vanilla Rose said...

Today, I had one person post that I should be more concerned about starving people and wars and one person accuse me of hijacking a feminist group with irrelevance (ONE thread, which I didn't actually start).

Oh, and the latter one started on me with the "you must be batsh*t crazy if you believe" [something I hadn't said]. Why do people think that the "if" gets them out of the charge of being insulting? If anything, they are twice as insulting, for implying the person is "batsh*t crazy" AND for not bothering to be accurate about what was being said!!!

radioactivegan said...

This really made me laugh (especially after a week of trying to find places to eat out with an omnivorous house guest - we stayed in most days and he happily ate vegan food)! Thank you for such a lighthearted, but poignant look at tying that shoe on the other foot :)

Marla said...

Oh, Vanilla Rose, I empathize. I empathize. I just wish people could hear what they are saying through our ears.

Marla said...

Thank you, radioactivegan! (Great name!) I really appreciate it!