Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Soy will kill you DEAD.




I am buried under work this week so I'm offering this guest post until I can dive back into vegan feminist agitating. In an effort to prove that I am as fair and balanced as they come, I'm offering this article submitted by someone who wished to remain anonymous from the Weston A. Price Foundation’s Office of Soybean Literacy. I hope you enjoy it and find it enlightening.

Dear Vegans,

If you don’t value your own life, please at least care about the future of others. There is a looming green menace, a bean determined to wreak havoc any place where its roots can burrow into the ground like hungry, greedy tentacles. It is dire but it’s not too late: we must do our part now to uproot this vicious plant until it becomes fully indestructible and sends our planet on a collision course with obliteration. It is truly the Bad Bean. (The following footnoted article was peer-reviewed by the board of directors of the Weston A. Price Foundation.)

To put it bluntly, soy will kill you DEAD. 1

Women, soy will turn your ovaries inside out before they shrink into themselves, drain down your legs and settle into your feet. This will eventually cripple you. This is a small matter because your muscles would have atrophied long before this due to Toxic Estrogenic-Legume Syndrome and your brain will have become porous with Tofu Spongiform Edamamepathy. Then you will die. 2

Men, exposure to soy will make you grow giant breasts sloshing with soymilk. It will make your genitalia shrink into petunia-shaped little nubs 3 as the steady drip-drip-drip of phytoestrogens into your bloodstream transforms you into a grotesque quasi-female freak-form come to life. Your breasts will keep growing until they eventually smother you and endanger your community. Then you will die. 4

Children, the soy your parents give you today will make bright pink hair sprout on your concave chests (females) and on your enormous breasts (males). At around age thirteen, boys will metamorphose into girls and girls will metamorphose into boys in a horrific live mutation. As the erstwhile girls morph into aggressive, pimply males and the former males transmute into screeching, hormone-mad girls, all ages from puberty onward are fraught with peril as you lurch into marauding delinquency. Then you will die. 5

It is now known that soy shot Abraham Lincoln and the Archduke Ferdinand. 6 Soy insurgents caused the Spanish-American War and the Nicaraguan Civil war. 7

Further, it is well established that soy caused the Great Chicago Fire, the San Francisco Earthquake, the Dust Bowl and the Irish Potato Famine. 8

Soy returns movies late. Soy parks like an idiot. Soy plays horrible music too loud. Soy drunk dials. Soy leaves the faucet running. Soy never offers to pay. Soy is a sloppy drunk. Soy does not vacate its seat for the elderly or disabled on buses. Soy laughs at inappropriate times. Soy sends texts during movies. Soy eats loudly and with its mouth open. Soy relieves itself on your front yard. 9

Soy will know just what to say. Soy will make you think that you’re the only one. Soy will charm your pants off and then soy will never call again. You will run into soy on the street or at a party some time later and it will smirk at you in a way that makes you feel like dirt. 10

It gets worse.

Soy peers into your windows at night. Soy makes you feel uncomfortable on public transit. Soy stands too close to you in the checkout lane. Soy loiters on playgrounds. Soy makes your normally confident dog whimper then run and hide in the closet. Whenever soy appears, a foreboding storm rolls in out of nowhere. Soy drives by slowly, staring at you with a menacing look that sends chills down your spine. 11

Soy is watching you. Soy is not pleased. 12

Soy was engineered in an underground secret government laboratory with DNA from Darth Vader, Voldemort and Freddy Krueger and then one terrible night, soy overpowered the researchers and the evening watchman and got loose, running into the pitch-black night. 13

So please, if not for your own sake, if not for the sake of others, if not for the sake of everything decent and natural and good, please join us in this ultimate battle against the legume of death if only for the future of the planet. Once eradicated, we can celebrate over pureed organ meats, bone broth and unpasteurized milk. 14 Until that day, we must not rest! We must fight the green menace with all of our force.




Footnotes

1.     McKibble, Susan. “Soy, the Legume of Certain Painful Death” The Journal of Soya Conspiracies (August 2005)
2.     Keith, Frances. “Emerging Speculative Soy-Borne Diseases of the Dystopian Future,” The Daily Sun and Mail, 1 May 2008, sec. 2, p. 17.  
3.     Kellis, Mark. Penises Into Petunias: the Tofuification of Masculinity. Self-published, 1999.
4.     O’Connor, Mary. “Population Under Threat,” The Journal of Soya Conspiracies (June 2003)
5.     Keith, Frances. “Children: Soy’s Most Innocent Casualty,” The Daily Sun and Mail, 17 June 2004, sec. 2, p. 9.
6.     Kellis, Mark. The Secret History of the World’s Most Violent Legume. Self-published, 2001.  
7.     Ferdin, Josephine. “The Soybean Wars: Violence, Famine, Plagues, Disasters and the Plant that Caused Them All, Part One.” The Journal of Fringe Theories (September 2007)
8.     Ferdin, Josephine. “The Soybean Wars: Violence, Famine, Plagues, Disasters and the Plant that Caused Them All, Part Two.” The Journal of Fringe Theories (September 2008)
9.     Keith, Frances. “Soy, the World’s Worst Neighbor,” The Daily Sun and Mail, 15 October 2010, sec. 2, p. 11.
10.  Fawkes, Lisa. “The Misogyny of Soy: From Swaggering Tofu to Sadistic Tempeh,” The Nourishing Traditions Feminist Journal (April 2009).
11.   Rich, Carol. “The Coming Apocalypse: Soybeans as Lucifer.” The Weston A. Price Foundation Journal of Non-Secular Thought. (October 2010)
12.  Ferdin, Josephine. “The Soybean Wars: Violence, Famine, Plagues, Disasters and the Plant that Caused Them All, Part Three.” The Journal of Fringe Theories (September 2009)
13.  Polonis, Toby. “The True Story of Soy: From Experiment to Modern Day Horror Story.” The Journal of Fringe Theories (November 2003)
14.  O’Fairon, Fiona. Long Live Liver! The Weston A. Price Foundation’s Party Food for Nourishing Traditions. The Weston A. Price Foundation Press, 2005.

37 comments:

Vegan Burnout said...

"Penises Into Petunias: the Tofuification of Masculinity." Hahaha, that made my sucky Tuesday suck much less. :) Well played, lady.

Leah (The Kind Weight Watcher) said...

LOL!!!!! This cracked me up.

Marla said...

You are CRUEL, VB.

Marla said...

Thanks, Leah!

Get Skinny, Go Vegan. said...

OMG. Too funny. So Michael Greger's peer reviewed studies that show Soy cuts cancer death risk in tamoxifen takers WITH active breast cancer by 50 or 60% is wrong? :)
Who are the People at Weston Price sleeping with? Honestly, they must bring bottles of Krill oil to chug at their raw milk and fish orgies, their fish they farmed in their bathtubs. ICK.

Rhea Parsons said...

I KNEW IT!!!

I knew soy was the reason my taxes were audited, my fingernails keep breaking and my pictures always turn out blurry.

Now I know why my issues of VegNews and Vegetarian Times always get "lost" in the mail, too!!

Thank you, Marla, for uncovering this heinous source of EVIL!!

Vegan Burnout said...

Soy promises it washed the dishes, but really it just ran them under the faucet and put them away all wet and dirty.

Soy puts the empty orange juice carton back in the fridge.

Soy tells your mechanic to rip you off.

Shall I continue? :)

Leyla Hur said...

Oh but you forgot that soy turns regular, straight people into raving homosexuals... Can you imagine?!!! On TOP of it all, we're all going to "turn" gay... *rolling eyes*

Very well said... LOVE it! :))

LMAO

Lisa is Raw on $10 a Day (or less!) said...

You didn't provide a photo, but from the sounds of it, it's possible I was actually married to soy at one time.

Jane Easton said...

I laughed and laughed, really made my day. Thanks! I work for a UK veg*n group and we've worked very hard to overcome 'WAP-CRAP' - its pernicious nonsense has really rattled lots of once-happy vegans and had many meat-eaters wagging their self-righteous fingers. Doh. So much so that we produced a website and guide http://safetyofsoya.com/ - but it's not nearly so funny as your blog. Thanks again, you're a star. Jane Easton(personal capacity)

VeganMania said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Marla said...

Hi, Get Skinny, Go Vegan -

Thank you! I really don't know what is going on with the WAPF except for a thought that they have it out for vegans because they want to be seen as "the healthy ones," a title often associated with vegans. It's all very cult-like and inflammatory. Plus: ew!

Marla said...

All of it, Rhea. All of it.

Marla said...

You shall continue, VB! :)

Marla said...

Hi, Leyla Hur -

I know! As if everything else weren't heinous enough, soy makes people turn gay. Eeeek!

Thank you!

M

Marla said...

Hi, Lisa is Raw,

I am so sorry for your experience but you're one of the lucky ones to have made it out of that union alive. Thank your lucky stars!

M

Marla said...

Hi, Jane,

Thank you so much! I cannot figure out what the WAPF has had so much sway. Almost anything I've seen coming from them has been hysteria-laced. I look forward to checking out your website. Thanks for all you do!

Marla

Lindsey said...

This is just too good, Marla!! hahahaha

My theory on why WAPF is so influential is that it exists for the people whose consciences tell them they should be vegan. WAPF provides an out for them by claiming copious amounts of animal products are absolutely necessary for health, and you can't live without them. I think they attack soy in particular because it is so close to animal protein in its completeness and digestibility. One of the major things you must accept to become vegan is the fact that animal products are not necessary for health, so if you take that away, then there is not really a moral imperative to be vegan. WAPF's false information conveniently makes veganism no longer a moral imperative to the people who believe in them, so they can continue on in their animal eating ways guilt-free.

Fireweed said...

OMG, I am totally going to piss my self laughing!!!!

Oh wait...that must be because of the tofu sandwich I had for lunch, and the soymilk on my cereal earlier...I'm simply getting weaker and weaker! (are kegel excercises any antidote for the damage wrought by soy, I wonder?!)

Damn beans...they may yet be the death of me, yes, but only because I could die choking on edamame while chortling away here over another hilarious sister vegan feminist agitator post!

MeShell said...

Oh wow. Thank you for making my morning!
I'm snickering so much that I might choke on my soy shake, and there you'll have it, another death by soy.

palominox said...

Soy caused generalized swelling in my body just from looking at it and then it then stole my car and ran it into a mailbox. Many scientific studies repeat this exact same finding, so you know it is true.

Marla said...

Hi, Lindsey,

I do agree with you about the WAPF followers because most tend to be more environmentally conscious and socially progressive than average. Far more. Great insights you have here.

Marla said...

The soy is killing you, Fireweed! Can't you see that?! (And thank you.) :)

Marla said...

MeShell, put the shake down. We cannot afford another fatality.

Marla said...

Tragic, Palominox. Simply tragic.

Vanilla Rose said...

This link must be shared! Congratulations on another hilarious post.

The Rational Vegan said...

You all may think this is funny, but soy is no laughing matter. I once opened a package a tofu, and it smelled a bit funny, but I ate it anyway. Then I died.

The Blissful Chef said...

OMG I Love you!!! This is hilarious!! I can't stand WAP and the whole Paleo diet craze. Their claims are just unfounded. My friend is studying anthropology and found herself in a room of Paleos who didn't know she was vegetarian. They went on and on about their delicious meat and how anyone that didn't eat it was so stupid. They finally got into a debate and she disproved everything they came at her with. But they would not see. They were so blinded. Just sad.

Marla said...

Thanks, Vanilla Rose!

Marla said...

I am so sorry for your loss, Rational Vegan. It is truly tragic in that it is the loss of you.

Marla said...

I love you, too, Christy! Seriously, they are some wacky people. :)

Anonymous said...

The Weston Price Foundation can't be taken seriously. A "peer review" by their board means nothing. It's like getting a peer review by a conspiracy group monitoring the Masons. Or the NRA.

Like Mercola, the WPF is anti-veg and very pro meat and pro-dairy.

Whenever a veg*n falls for the Weston Price Foundation or Mercola groupies, it shows how gullible or scientifically illiterate they are.

If you want the straight info, contact real authorities in vegan nutrition like T. Colin Campbell, PhD., or George Eisman RD, or Michael Greger, MD.

Rebecca Stucki said...

I loves me my Marla!!

Anonymous said...

Funniest essay and comment thread EVER! I love all of you people! Marla, you ROCK!

Ashley Leslie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ashley Leslie said...

Best thing ever!

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