Snappy Retorts, Part Two: Hitler's Humane Teeth



“Really? That’s not what the historian Rynn Berry found. Also, even if he had been a vegetarian, how is this relevant to me? I’m a vegan, not a vegetarian.”



“So you’re saying that even for the individual who most personifies evil, eating animals was too barbaric? What does that say about eating animals?”



“So were Josef Stalin, Pol Pot, Idi Amin and Mao Zedong. Oh, wait. No, they weren’t. Oops. I’m sorry: what were you saying again?”



“Because having empathy for the billions of sensitive beings killed each year to maintain our habits is clearly consistent with being one of history’s most horrific killers, right?”



“Yes, of course. His ideology was outlined in his manifesto, ‘Mein Kale.’ That will always haunt the vegan community.”






“Well, it’s certainly very reasonable to think that we can acquire the flesh of another being through humane means. Oh, look! A sparkly unicorn frolicking with a leprechaun!”



“I’m sure those animals you will eat are very thankful that their throats will be unnecessarily slashed with loving-kindness rather than violence. How sweet.”



“Is it hard to eat when you have to stop and pat yourself on the back all the time?”



“How is it that ‘humane meat‘ is only about one percent of what is produced in the United States but every meat-eater I know claims to only eat that kind? How is that possible? Do you guys have an exclusive buying club or something?”



“I humane mugged someone today on my way to humane robbing the local charity so I totally get what you’re saying.” 



















“Those little, slightly pointy teeth? Yes, those will certainly strike fear and dread in the hearts of all the zebras you encounter.”


“Those so-called canine teeth are also found on herbivorous animals and used to chew tougher fiber. But if you want to imagine that you’re a big, tough lion of the Serengeti, that’s up to you.”



“So you supposedly have these fearsome canine teeth but you lack large paws, sharp claws, a massive jaw and the ability to outrun your prey? You sound pretty bad ass.”



“So one possible explanation for how you turned out is that instead of putting all that energy into maximizing your brain power, your body decided to invest in developing those ‘terrifying’ canine teeth of yours instead? It seems like a bit of a lose-lose, but whatever.”








“Dracula called. He thinks you’re a poser.”